▶ Your Answer : There are might might be some people who believe
that exercising regularly or having a positive attitude are is the best way to
become healthier. However, I personally think getting enough sleep is the best
method to become healthier. It makes your physical and mental health stable,
and getting not enough sleep can cause a variety of health problems.
To
begin with someone who sleeps sufficiently can maintain their good health
physically and mentally. If you do not spend your time in enough sleeping, you
may lose your stability in your health. For example, when I was going went to high
school, I am was obsessed with a computer game for a while. I did not have slept to
play sleep as I was playing my favorite computer games, then. So I have stayed stayed up late at night for a week
sequentially. It was so hard to focus on my classes because my body and brain
always want wanted me to sleep. And I can‘t could not sleep even at night. This is because I was
accustomed to not getting sleeping a sleep. This results in insomnia and unstable mental and physical states to me. 바디의 끝맺음이 좀 아쉽습니다. 이러한 이유 때문에 잠을 자는 것이 중요하다라는 말을 하는게 좋을 거 같아요. 또한 가장 중요한것은 예시의 시제가 과거 형이 기 때문에 모든 동사들을 과거로 서술하시길 바랍니다.
On
top of that, not sleeping in sufficient quantities can cause health problems.
Sleeping is necessary process for maintaining human metabolism. If this process
fell, our health could be in troubles like diseases. According to a study
conducted by the Institute of the National Health, basic health problems such
as temporary mental depression, light heart disease, and declining amounts of food
intake are associated with scanty sleeping. Therefore, this situation should
not be sustained to prevent these problems from leading to serious diseases. 바디 2가 짧다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 좀 더 구체적인 설명을 명시하는 것이 좋을 거 같아요. 왜 잠을 잘 못 자는 것이 건강에 안좋은 영향을 미치는 것인지 에 대한 좀 더 구체적인 설명이 필요할 거 같아요. 뭔가 연관성이 적어 보입니다. od
sionsordermtalnia to me e that getting enough sleep is the best way to
become healthier.ous diseases.l disorder
To
sum up, spending your enough time in sleeping leads to stable minds and healthy
bodies, and prevent you from getting ailments and serious health problems. In
this regard, I firmly believe that getting enough sleep is the best way to
become healthier. Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 일단 첫 번째 바디에서는 문법적인 오류들이 많이 보였습니다. 예시가 과거형일 때는 되도록이면 과거형으로 에세이를 서술시길 바랍니다. 이와 반대로 두 번째 바디에서는 좀 더 구체적인 설명을 더 서술했으면 좋았을 거 같습니다 왜냐하면 전체적으로 에세이가 짧아 보인다라는 느낌이 들기 때문입니다. 이것 이외에는 문제되는 것이 없어 보입니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |