▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that
parents should make strict rules for their children to make them succeed in
life. However, I disagree with the above idea for two subsequent reasons. First,
strict rules have a negative effect on growing developing creativity. Second, it is
responsible for losing children’s confidence. it can make children to lose confidence.
To begin with, strict rules are not good
for children’s creativity. However, (이전 문장과의 연결이 부자연스럽습니다) it is clear that creativity plays an
important role in success these days. Creative thinking makes people to come up
with many possibilities (추상적입니다) , even including unrealistic situations (정확한 의미를 파악하기 어렵습니다). Thus, creative
ideas help engineers produce many convenient products, such as smart phones, and flexible screens. For example, a study conducted by LG, in 2012 with its 200 engineers as respondents,
shows that strict environments make people hard to solve hard problems. 80% of them
said that when they should invent something which do not exist (해석이 어려운 어색한 문장입니다), they want to
work in free environments.
On top of that, strict rules can make children to have low confidence cause low confidence
of children. If children have low self-confidence, they are likely to avoid challenges
and new experiences, which (이 which가 받는 것은 if children have low self-confidence입니다) motivate can make children less eager to learn and set a goals.
If they set a goal and try to achieve it, they will succeed in life. For
instance, a poll done by Samsung innovation center, in 2015, shows the importance
of high confidence. 100 rich businessmen responded the poll, and 70% of them
said that they tended to challenge everything. All of them seemed to be
confident. No one will oppose that they get success (해석이 어려운 어색한 문장입니다). It is clear that it is
hard to succeed in an environment where there are strict rules in strict rules and atmosphere.
To sum up, strict rules affect creativity negatively,
and it is easy to lose confidence when children are confined in strong rules.
In this regard, I believe that parents should not set strict rules for their
children, if they wish to see their children succeed in life.
Score: 16 Comments: - 전체적인 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다.
- 창의력 발전에 방해가 되고 자신감을 낮추게 할 수 있다는 포인트는 적절하지만 왜 그런지에 대한 설명이 부족합니다. 논리에 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. - 어색한 표현들과 문법 실수들이 있습니다. - 쉼표의 사용이 틀린 부분들이 많습니다. a poll conducted by X center in 2015, 식으로 해주시고 A, B, and C 이런식으로 세 개 이상이 아닌 경우에는 A and B로 해주셔야 합니다. A, and B 말고요.
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