▶ Your Answer :
As our society has become more
sophisticated and competitive, contemporary people tend to conceal their
weakness and hope to appear an appealing image in order to survive in this
competitive society. It is an undeniable fact that a created image seems very
attractive and can be able to enhance his or her reputation. However, although
an appealing image has several benefits for people, I do not believe that
creating an attractive image has more significant meaning than the reality or
truth behind that image. This is because the image never conceals the truth
behind the image in a long-term period and precise evaluation.
Admittedly, a creating an appealing image has become
influential in contemporary society since people with an attractive image can
be able to possess higher competitiveness in this society. In some important meetings, people often
swiftly evaluate other people through their appearance at first glance. This
trend makes people recognize the importance of making a charming image. In
Social Network Service such as Facebook, most people actually have posted only
positive aspects of their life rather than a real identity because they think
it helps them to make a more attractive image.
Although creating an image has important
meaning in current society, we cannot evaluate everything about one person
based on the image. Thus, the image cannot have more significant meaning than
the reality or truth behind the image. For example, many politicians often make
an exaggerated and fabricated image in order to win an election. However, their
reality was eventually debunked and even made decrease their reputations.
Likewise, we can observe a similar result in a marketing field: the number of
customers would decline if a product has a low quality even though an
attractive advertisement conceal the faulty product at the first time.
Therefore, people should focus on developing their inner innate characteristics
rather than fabricating their image.
Also, in some precise and significant tasks
such as a job recruiting, or admission into a university, people cannot solve
such problems through a fabricating image. Most companies and universities have
made a precise tool to evaluate qualification and abilities of applicants and
compare the difference between their reality and image. Therefore, the
applicants concentrate on developing their inner innate characteristics and talents
more than creating a charming image to survive this competitive society.
In conclusion, it is a fact that creating
an appealing image has become more important compared to the past and has
several advantages for people. However, we cannot ignore the importance of
reality or truth behind the image since it has more significant impact on their
life.
Fair (17-20)
서론 -연두색 부분 불필요합니다. 서론이 너무 깁니다.
첫번째 본문 -a creating image는 어색한 표현입니다. 두번째 본문 -innate:선천적인 여기에는 어울리지 않는 단어선택입니다. inner:안의, 내면의 를 써주세요.
세번째 본문 -이 본문은 두번째 본문의 예시를 따로 문단을 떼어서 쓰신 것이지 새로 본문 하나를 더 쓰신 것인지 모호합니다. 예시를 떼어서 쓰신 것이라면 다시 두번째 본문에 넣어주세요. 같은 주장, 이유를 가지는 문단을 줄바꿈하면 혼란을 줍니다.
잘 쓰셨는데 세번째 문단때문에 혼란이 많이 생깁니다. 문단 정리, 에세이 틀 정리에 대한 연습해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~
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