▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that schools need to lead force
children to work individually is the best way to teach them. However, I believe it is better that schools force children to participate in group learning activities is the
best. This is because learning group activities enables children to learn instill
better social skills while working individually prevents children can lead to
social isolation, such as feelings of loneliness, fear of others, or negative
self-esteem.
To begin with, wWorking individually prevents children from
enjoying a better quality of life by preventing them from adapting to various
relationships. Interestingly, a renowned social scientist published an article
in “The Korean Herald” last Tuesday which claims that focusing only on only working
individually can lead to social isolation, such as feelings of loneliness, fear
of others, or negative low self-esteem. My own experience demonstrates some of
disadvantages of focusing on only working individually. My brother wants to
work individually in independent space. Although he gets job opportunities, the large companies like people who did group activities. As a result, he does not
get a good job and earn a lot of money. This example demonstrates some of the
disadvantages of focusing on only working individually. 학교에서 아이들을 가르치는 방식에 대한 문제인데 본문 내용은 혼자서 일하는 것을 좋아하면 고립되기 쉽다는 내용으로 흘러가 있어서 논점이 맞지 않습니다. 아이들이 개인적으로 활동하게 해 주는 것과 모둠활동을 하도록 유도하는 것 중에 어떤 것이 더 좋은 방법인지 묻는 문제라는 점에 유의해야 합니다.
On the other hand, learning group activities
allows children to get instill better social skills. Understanding the importance
of interpersonal relationships and potential roles of group activities is
necessary to substantiate this view. Participating in group activities and
mingling with peers from different backgrounds can offer fresh perspectives on
issue, original ideas, and even enlightening words of life wisdom. Embracing
this diversity empowers one with the deft social aptitude to accept human
differences to build and deepen interpersonal relationships. In this regard, I
learned that learning group activities promotes children to learn instill better
social skills.
To sup up, I believe that it is better for schools to lead force
children to participate in group learning activities is the best. Consequently,
the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have
mentioned above.
Comment : 모델에세이를 활용할 때 키워드만 간단히 바꾸면 주제와 동떨어지는 부분들이 생기기 쉬우니 유의해주세요. 학교에서 아이들을 교육하는 방식에 대한 문제이므로 관련 키워드를 더 많이 보여주고 사례 내용도 그와 관련된 내용으롲 조직해줄 필요가 있습니다. school과 children에 대한 내용인데 동생이 직장을 구할 때 겪는 어려움에 대해 이야기하거나 '인생의 지혜'와 같은 키워드를 사용하는 건 주제와는 좀 맞지 않는 것 같아요. 문법오류와 어색한 단어 사용도 종종 있으니 맥락에 맞는 활용에 좀 더 신경써주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
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