▶ Your Answer : Managing how people show off themselves is important because it shapes other's impressions about them. With this understanding, I believe that people put enough importance on their appearance and fashion these days for two reasons. This is because one's appearance and fashion are critical factors for job promotion and encourage people to enjoy a happier life.
First of all, people's appearance and fashion play an important role in job promotion. This is because a lot of information is distributed to more people fairly. This phenomena increase the average of people's knowledge level, which makes recruiters hard to select suitable employees. Since the openings of the certain job are limited, recruiters have to find other useful factor : appearance, fashion. The recent survey conducted by Korea University proved this phenomena. Over 62 percent of the candidates who replied the survey said that they chose people who look nice because it can increase the possibility of providing good first impression to buyers.
On top of that, people's appearance and fashion enable people to enjoy a better quality of life. Since there are various styles of clothes in current market, people can enjoy wearing different styles of clothes. The pleasure of finding suitable clothes can relieve people's stress, which allows them to enjoy a better quality of life. The recent survey conducted by Incheon University showed that over 67 percent of adults in South Korea love to go shopping because finding a nice cloth gives them a pleasure and provide an opportunity for them to relieve stress.
To sum up, I believe that people put enough importance on their appearance and fashion these days for two reasons : for promotion, and opportunity to enjoy a better quality of life. Consequently, my view of the choice cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
-----의견 1 (By Dextor)------
1. 제시된 statement는 최근 사람들의 외적인 것에 지나치게 많은 중요성을 두는 행위에 대한 화자의 판단 진술입니다.
2. 'enough' 로 'too much' 를 tone down 하시며 외적인 것에 중요성을 두는 것을 정당화 할 수 있는 이유를 함께 제시하신 것으로 보아
부정적 뉘앙스를 긍정적 뉘앙스로 돌리신 것으로 보입니다.
3. 따라서 보다 명확한 essay 를 위해서는 작성자 분께서 Thesis statement (i.e. position statement to the speaker's assertion)
를 명확히 제시해 주셔야 할 것 같습니다. (Agreement/ Disagreement / Qualified agreement / Qualified disagreement)
4. 그를 위해선 서론부의 첫 문장 ( background information ) 이 후, 가령 On the grounds of that, I disagree with the statement
yet rather believe people's behavior that they put attention on their appearance and fashion is proper for following
two reasons. 등의 명확한 position statement (with linking sentence with background information) 를 제시해 주시는 것이 좋겠
습니다.
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