▶ Your Answer :
[intro 한 문단으로 합쳐주세요] Some people think that it is more important for people to work out for relaxing than watch movies and read books. However, I believe that watching movies and reading books for relaxing are better than working out. This is because watching movies and reading books enable people to relieve their stress and broaden their view. while working out for relaxing is not necessary. [body1 한 문단으로 합쳐주세요] Working out for relaxing is not necessary. This is because it is less related to people’s common problems. Interestingly, a renowned social scientist in South Korea published an article in “The Korea Statistics” last Tuesday which claims that it is not essential for people to spend time for working out. Tthe article claims 87 percent of 200 Korean peoples believe that spending time for working out can’t help them relax and relieve stress because people’s common problems come are came from their low self-confidence. So many people answered that it is better to find another way than working work out for relaxing. In this regard, I believe that working out is not important for people. 필요없다는 주장이 너무 피상적입니다. 현재 글은 영화를 보거나 책을 보는 게 더 효과적이라는 입장인데 영화보기나 책읽기도 문제와 직접적인 관련이 있는 것은 아니기 때문에 현재 문단의 주장은 근거로 사용하기에 어색해요. [body2 한 문단으로 합쳐주세요] On the other hand, watching movies and reading books help people to forget their problems and even give knowledges . Understanding of the daily life environment for people and the potential role of cultural life is necessary to substantiate this view. Every morning, people have to patiently sit through traffic to work. Once they get to are at work, they have to endure reading countless documents. Therefore, they usually can’t usually have time to obtain any knowledge excepting what that is from their work. tThis situation makes people feel depression and lead them to think that they are not a human being but a robot. they are robots. As a way to manage the ensuing stress, people can watch movies and read books. Even if it is only for a short time, this frees their minds from intense mental pressure from work. Moreover, Ppeople attain another perspective of their life from the stories that they watched or read. In this regard, . wWatching movies and reading read books enables people to relieve stress. 문제에 대해 잊게 해준다는 내용에 굳이 새로운 지식도 배워서 좋다는 내용을 넣을 필요는 없을 것 같아요. 질문 내용이 효과적으로 relax하는 방법이므로 새로운 것을 배운다는 내용은 불필요한 사족입니다. 주제에 맞는 한 가지 주장에 초점을 두고 논리를 풀어주세요. To sum up, l believe that it is more important for people to watch movies and read books for relaxing. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons that I have mentioned above.
Comment : 영화를 보고 책을 읽는 것이 운동하는 것보다 더 '잘 쉬게 해 준다'고 보는 이유를 설명해주세요. 현재 내용은 명확히 어떤 이유에서 영화보기&책읽기가 더 효과적이라고 보는지가 잘 드러나지 않습니다. 모델에세이를 활용할 때 키워드만 바꾸는 것은 off-topic의 문장을 만들 위험이 큽니다. 주제에 맞게 내용을 적절하게 구성하면서 응용해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음)
- May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |