▶ Your Answer :
Opinions might be divided over whether people put too much the importance on f appearance for people in our society these days. People of various ages and from different walks of life may take diverse positions on the controversial issue. I side with the prospect that people nowadays are more likely to think that nothing could be more important than the outward appearance for the following two reasons.
To begin with, predisposition that is in be favor of appearance leads to spending too much money and it will cause deficiency of the budget. When it comes to seeking money, every penny counts these days. A thrift spending habit is indispensable in our life because little drops of water make the mighty ocean. If we do not don't get used to working on the tight budget, we will be short on cash later. Opponents of my perspective claim that skills or healthy are important than looks. However, if we take a close look at their contentions, the rationale for their assertion lacks logic in many ways. Moreover, my personal example can definitely debunk their claims. For example, I have a friend named Tom. To have be a great appearance, he was willing to undergo many plastic surgeries. He spent so much money on the operation of surgery that he ended up being mendicancy. The same applies to most people.
Besides, people usually think that the more one has a fancy mask, the easier they can be gain good appearance and make a friend easily. So for these reasons, they prefer to the people who have s pretty appearance. In addition to my personal experience, many articles from different newspapers reaffirm my viewpoints. A few weeks ago, I read an op-ed piece from the Korea Herald that is related to the topic. It described the result of a survey, which was conducted by Seoul National University social science researchers with more than 500 people as respondents who make a habit of spending money on decorating their looks. The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus view about the effect of appearance when they do any sort of social activities. Of the 500 people surveyed, over 80 percent answered that they have has a lot of friends. Pretty appearance and luxury items could be of advantage of making friends and hang out with them. This clearly proves that the looks is conducive to making many friends.
As I mentioned above, based on the two examples, I can conclude that the tendency of being fixated on the appearance could be acceptable for people.
Fair (17-20)
서론 -whether 뒤에 주어 동사 나와야 하는데, 동사가 나오지 않았습니다. whether the importance on appearance for people in our society is too much these days/ 혹은 본문에 바꾼대로 바꾸셔야 합니다. -that 절에서 동사 빠졌습니다. are 넣어주세요. -비교급에서, 비교급 표현하는 것 생략하고 than만 쓰면 어색합니다. more 써주세요.
첫번째 본문 -that 절이 아니라 predisposition 지칭하는 that이므로 뒤에 동사 필요합니다. is -in favor of -밑줄 친 부분, 불필요한 내용입니다. -축약형 지양해주세요. don't-->do not -will 조동사 뒤에 메인 동사 필요 -좋은 외모이다 라는 것은 어색한 표현입니다. 좋은 외모를 가졌다가 더 자연스럽습니다. -요즘 사람들이 외모에 관심을 많이 가지냐 아니냐의 문제이지, 그것이 잘못됐는지에 대한 문제가 아닙니다. 주객전도가 된것 같습니다. 잘못됐는지에 대한 문제가 더 강조되었습니다.
두번째 본문 -be 와 gain 동사 두개 연달아 쓰지 않습니다. 하나 제거해주세요. -수 일치; people 복수, 따라서 has-->have -수 일치
결론 -acceptable for people 로 끝내셔서, 외모 강조가 좋은것인지 나쁜것인지에 대한 본인의 주장이 모호합니다. 또한, 첫본문은 부정적인 의미/ 두번째 본문은 중립/긍정적 의 의미로 하셔서 굉장히 모호합니다. 요즘 사람들은 외모에 중점을 많이 둔다 정도로 중립적 의미를 지키시려면 내용을 다르게 써주세요. 부정+긍정이 중립이 되지는 않습니다.
수고하셨습니다~~
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