▶ Your Answer : Many people believe that luck has nothing do with success originated from hard work because they wo think they we can solve the most of tricky problems and reach to success sucess by simply making big efforts on them. However, I think luck is an important factor for success as well as huge-effort. In this essay, this kind of view will be discussed based on the following two main points. First of all, there are too many variables in our real lives, so that hard work does not always gives you the best results. For instance, let me introduce my own experience regarding this point. Wwhen I was a middle school student, I was perfect in math subject due to my big effort, so I usually got 100 points in math exams. In spite of my great mathematical talent, one day I failed to show a good performance in mid-term exam since I broke my right arm accidentally accidently before the exam and so I could not use my hand to calculate. Even though you have suitable qualification to succeed, sucess, there are lots of factors that impedes your success. sucess. Thus, luck affects your results quite a lot. Secondly, you should know the world is not fair from the first place. One's performance will not be proportional propotional to one's effort. Some people grow from rich family while other people do not. Obviously Obviuosly, you can not choose choice your own family. It is solely determined by luck. People have grown from rich family familly are more likely to get a chance to succeed sucess since they would take better education and foster forster more useful social networks with their thier wealth. Therefore, people from poor family may not be able to beat rich guys and socially success sucess albeit all the exertion. 주장을 뒷받침할 수 있는 사례를 함께 제시해주세요. 무조건 돈이 있어야 성공하는 것은 아니므로 선택에 의해 부자로 태어나고/가난하게 태어나는 것이 아니라는 내용은 사례처럼 활용하는 편이 더 나아보입니다. 인맥이나 자본, 신체적 조건 등 성공에 도움이 되는 환경이라는 것이 분명히 있는데, 이것은 노력에 의해서만 이루어질 수 없고 운에 따라 주어지는 경우가 많다는 식으로 논리를 좀 더 포괄적으로 설명하면 좋을 것 같아요. In conclusion, since there are too many variables in our real lives and the world is not fair from the first place, luck also affects our success. I agree that hard-working is important to success sucess, but in my pinion, we can not ignore the power of luck.
Comment : 두 본론에서 제시하는 주장들을 주제에 맞는 것으로 잘 생각해주신 것 같아요. 다만 아직 설명이 불충분하거나 포괄적으로 풀어내야 하는 부분들은 수정&보완이 필요해 보입니다. 내용을 더 보완해서 글을 다시 작성해보셔도 좋은 연습이 될 것 같아요. 오탈자가 많은 것도 감점요인이 될 수 있으니 꼼꼼하게 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |