▶ Your Answer : Some people argues that people can be successful without accepting other'`s criticism. However in my opinion, for success in the work place, people should hear other'`s criticism. There are two reasons; fFirst, people can have new knoweldge through criticism. Second, people can have good human relation if they well accept other`s criticism. First of all, people can learn knoweldge that they missed. It is required for people to have a wide variety of knowledge rather than deep knoweldge of one specific field. A person with sufficient sufficietn knoweldge is regarded as 'a person of intellect' in this world, while others who lack knoweldge are simply ignored. People can have diverse knoweldge through other`s criticism. For example, there was a poll conducted by the board of labor, with 500 employers as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus about the learning about aobut new knoweldge in today`s companies. The majority of respondents ranked colleagues than the internet. An overwhelming 78% responded that they can learn through communication with other people. The reason was that people have different knoweldge. This survey proves that people develop themselves through criticisms from others with other`s talking. Second, people can keep good human relationship by accepting others` criticism. The meaning of success has completely changed compared to the past. In the past, it was merely focusing on one`s way to exceed others, now it is different. Along with your own ability, it is crucial to have people who can lend you a hand when you are in trouble. For example, my friend works in the Bbank of Kkorea. Many coworkers like him because they can feel relaxed and comfortable when they talk to him. So, I had ve a question about the tip. He said that he always has positive attitude. Especially, he thinks positively when other people criticize his work strategy. After listening to these contents, he changes based on other`s criticism. To sum up, by accepting other's critism well, people can acquire new knowledge. Moreover, they can make good human relationship. In this regard, I firmly hold that if people want to be successful in their work place, they should accept other`s criticism.
Good (24-25) 서론 -수일치 people 이므로 s 빼주세요. -문장 부호 오류 `아니고 '입니다. 뒤에 이 오류 많으신데 일일이 다 체크하지는 않았습니다. -; 뒤에 고유명사 제외하고 소문자
첫번째 본문 -철자 오류 sufficient -철자 오류 about -철자 오류 colleagues -with other's talking은 모호한 표현입니다. 마지막 restate 하는 지점에서는 더 주장문/토픽과 연결 직접적으로 시켜주세요.
두번째 본문 -고유 명사 Bank of Korea, 특히 나라이름은 항상 첫글자 대문자 입니다. -문맥상 과거이므로 have-->had -수 일치 -listen to
-결론에서 주장문이므로, 토픽과 연결 많이 시켜야 더 명확하고 모호하지 않습니다.
내용들 괜찮습니다. 문법 오류들 많으십니다. 연습해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~
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