▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly,
investment plays a significant role in people’s daily lives in many of the places
where they work or play. (Awkward sentence) Some people think that the government should put more
money into supporting art museums and music performances than recreational
facilities such as play grounds or public swimming pool, while others do not believe this way.
Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I had to
choose one, I would say that if the government spend money in supporting
recreational facilities, it will be more beneficial. There are several reasons
as follows.
To begin with, if
the government spend more money in recreational center, it will allow people to
do more exercises. When they exercise, their bodies heat up and generate more
white blood cells. An increase white blood cells is likely to strengthen their
immune system. For example, Seoul National University found a huge difference
between two groups of young adults in physical health. One group consisted of
those who spent more than 2 hours in a day at the public swimming pool, and the
other group was made up of those who never visited recreational facilities. The
researchers found that the former was more likely to have higher resistance of
disease than the latter. In particular, most of the first group had normal
weight without serious illness. On the other hand, many of the second group
tended to be overweight and develop various adult disease such as diabetes,
fatty liver disease, and hypertension. This implies that upgrade recreational
center is the key to people’s physical health. Without exercising, one would
get sick more often.
(Need second contents)
All things
considered, I strongly believe that the advantages of the government put more money
into supporting recreational facilities far outweigh those of supporting art
museum and music performance for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in
all, the importance of improve recreational facilities cannot be overestimated
in the pursuit of happiness in life.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 3 | Score | Limited 10-17 | - 대부분이 템플릿으로 구성이 되어 있고, 특히 인트로에 경우, 억지로 템플릿에 맞추다보니 내용의 의미가 불분명하게 드러나 있습니다. - 오직 하나의 이유만이 서술이 되어 있네요. 토플 에세이에서는 반드시 두 가지 이상의 이유를 서술해줄 수 있도록 해주세요.
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