Some people think that watching a
performance in a person is waste of the time. However, in my opinion, we can
enjoy the moment that could not when we were in a home be seen when we were at home. This is because we can
enjoy the atmosphere different from home and get a chance for making a good
memory with friends.
First, when we watch a performance in
a person, we can enjoy a different atmosphere. Because of lively sounds, a lot
of people and dynamic performances, we are preoccupied to watch the performances.
For example, in a circus, the performers are fly fly in the sky and they play with
animals. We can’t cannot imagine what is going on when we watch the television in the at
home. On the other hand, in the performance, we can communicate with the
actors. So, we can enjoy more than people who just grabbing remote control. 바디가 너무 짧습니다. 논리적으로 풀어나갔지만 좀더 구체적인 살이 더 필요할 거 같습니다. 간결한 에세이가 좋긴 하지만 너무 에세이가 간결하면 재대로된 의사전달이 안되어 있을 수 도 있습니다. 따라서 좀 더 예시나 예시 전 부분에서 구체적인 설명들을 좀 더 서술하시는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다.
On the top of that, we can make such
a beautiful memory with friends. Watching the performance is a valuable
experience because the performance isn’t going does not perform regularly. For example, I went
the Olympic to watching to watch the opening ceremony with my best friends last month.
It was the best ceremony we ever had watched.
Also going to the Olympic is a valuable chance for us. We always talk
about the Olympic even the Olympic is over. The experience that we went to
watch the ceremony will last forever in my memory.
To
sum up, enjoying the performance with the performer and having a good memory, I
firmly believe that watching a performance in a person is better than watching
on television
Fair: 17~23
점수: 21
일단 논리적으로 잘 풀어나갔지만 부족한 부분이 보입니다. 부족한 부분이 뭐냐면 전체적으로 에세이가 짧다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 첫 번째 바디나 두 번째 바디에서 보앗듯이 구체적인 설명이 적어보입니다. 에세이에서 가장 중요한 것이 본인의 에세이를 통해 다른 사람들에게 얼마나 잘 설득 할 수 있느지를 보는 것 입니다. 따라서 좀 더 구체적인 설명이나 예시에 살을 붙여야 될 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.