▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who don’t do not believe
that students with clean rooms can succeed than those with messy ones. However,
I personally think it is of course for students who have less unclean clean rooms to
achieve bigger success. There are two reasons for this. First, it is easy to
find stuffs that students want in cleaned rooms. Second, students can use their
spaces more practically in tidy places.
To
begin with, students can find their items more easily in clean rooms. Getting student’s
materials is very important to do a course work such as report. For example,
when I was in high school, I was assigned reporting a specific topic. I
prepared some statistics and images for the homework in my room for a week. Although
I did my best for preparing these materials, I got low costs grades over my report. This
is because I couldn’t could not find my materials and use them in my not arranged dirty room. After
that time, I always clean my room, and it makes me easy when I look for what I
want. 일단 집이 깔끔한것과 물건들을 찾을 수 잇다는 성곡에 대해서 연관 성이 없어 보입니다. 이 에세이에 주제는 깔끔하게 방을 정돈하는것이 성공을 좌우우지 하냐인데 전혀 관련이 없어 보입니다. 물건을 찾는 것과 성공은 전혀 다른 매개체인거 같습니다.
On
top of that, students can utilize their spaces more amply by cleaning rooms. Spaces
that arranged in advance might become more spatial places. This results in an opportunity
to do activities in their rooms. To be specific, I visited my friend, Jenny. He
usually didn’t did not arrange his stuffs and had his narrow space. Therefore, we
couldn’t could not play in his room, despite of our promise about playing with each other.
We were so disappointed and got stressed out. Relieving stress is essential to
succeed by doing various activities. 이 바디에서도 문제입니다. 성공과 깨끗한 방에 대한 연관 성이 부족합니다. 왜 집안에 자리가 많다 해서 좋은 걸 까요? 이런 부분이 성공이 탄생한다는 듯이 나와야하는 이러한 설명이 부족합니다.
To
sum up, having tidy rooms make makes students easier and faster to find what they
want and allow them to use more wide spaces. In this regard, I firmly believe
students who have arranged rooms have advantages to succeed than students who
have congested ones. Fair: 17~23 점수: 20 일단 각 바디의 예시가 주제와 어긋나는 거 같습니다. 이 에세이의 주제는 성공과 깨끗한 방의 연관성입니다. 성공을 위해서는 깨끗하게 방을 정리 해야한다라고 하는데. 예시들이 이러한 부분에 대해서 설명이 없습니다. 서로의 개연성과 연관성이 부족해 보이는 바디입니다. 이것 이외에도 위에서 첨삭한 것처럼 문법적 오류들이 보입니다. 이러한 부분들을 고쳐주시길 바랍니다. |