▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that people can deal with problems on their own, so government assistance is not necessary. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for the two subsquent reasons. First, it is lack for people to deal with problems with their own ability. Second, people can save their time in solving their problems. 밑에서 설명을 할 꺼기 때문에 굳이 인트로에서 이유를 나열할 필요가 없습니다
First of all, it is not enough for people to deal with problems with their own ability, so it can make people hard to succeed. people do not have own ability to decide certain circumstances I think the meaning of success has changed compared to the past in comparison to the past. If it was only focusing focused on one's own ability, now it is different. Along with their own ability, it is important to be given assistance from government.to receive government assistance. According to a recent study done by JGR Institute of Education(JIE), 80 percent of the respondents said that they could succeed by receiving government assistance. To be specific, government applied for them lots of money to improve their lives, and they said that it is actually so beneficial for them to live better because it relieved stress from money. This clearly shows that it is so helpful for them to deal with problems on government assistance.
Second, people can save lots of time in solving their problems by using government assistance. If you waste time solving problems with your own ability, will time wait for you? The answer will be no. In this world you live in, time is gold. (일단 독립형 에세이에서는 의문형 문장을 사용하시지 말아 주시길 바랍니다) Since we cannot turn time back, we must try to make the best time of the limited time by receiving government assistance. Let me bring a personal story as an example. When I was in university, For example, when I was university student I wanted to solve my job searching problem with my own ability at first, but I soon realized that it is so hard to deal with problems without government assistance. This is because it took lots of time searching jobs with my own ability, while my friends received assistance such as counseling from government, and it could make them succeed easily. For these reasons, I think people can save their time in solving their problems with government assistance.
In this regard, people have to receive government assistance because it is lack for people to deal with problems with their own ability, and they can save their time. In conclusion, I think government assistance is necessary for people to deal with problems.
Good: 24~30 점수: 24 일단 약간의 문맥상 이상한 부분들이 있습니다. 제가 이러한 부분은 고쳤기 때문에 제가 첨삭한 것을 보고 참고 하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 문맥상 이상한 부분들 빼고는 잘 서술된 독립형 에세이인거 같습니다. 일단 구조적인 면에 있어서 지금 이 에세이는 잘 서술된 거 같아요. 이유에서 설명으로 설명에서 예시로 넘어가는 데에 있어 군더더기 없이 매끄럽고 논리적이게 잘 넘어간거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |