It is debated debatable whether people today spend too much time to pay attention to the personal lives of celebrities such as entertainers or famous people. on paying attention to the celebrities Some people argue that what many people spend time to pay attention to the entertainers or famous people is a good idea spending lots of time on famous people is a good idea. However, in my opinion this perspective is not true for two following reasons which I am going to elaborate. I support that many people spend time to pay attention to the personal lives of entertainers. First of all, people spend time to pay attention to the celebrities, which is that they are favorite. because using time helps relieve stress and restore health spending time on renowned people can relieve stresses. To be specific, spending time to pay attention to the on personal lives of celebrities allows people to make them happy, which makes them better manage stress, and maintain health, and build a quality of life. Stress can cause emotional problems, disease, dissatisfying life, and poor performance. Therefore, people in modern society should actively find ways to reduce stress and stay healthy. In order to improve overall quality of life maintain positive mindset and cope effectively with their stress by using a lot of time to pay attention to the personal lives of celebrities. For example, a survey was conducted by UCLA’s research department. The survey participants were asked if they agree with that people spend time to their celebrities because using time helps relieve stress and restore health. The result showed that 79 percent of the participants answered that they are in favor of this idea. Further, their opinion was supported with logical reasons. In addition, people use time to pay attention to the celebrities because spending time helps people learn about building relationships with others. To be specific, using time to the personal lives of famous people creates opportunities for a topic for discussion, which as a result allows people to learn how to build relationships through communication their thoughts and connecting to each other’s feelings. People meet only with narrow range of people due to set daily routine and surrounding. These usually to not change much from day to day. However, it is important to get to know a wide variety of people to build social skills and blend in with society. Take Warren Buffett, for instance. He is a globally recognized CEO an investor. Listed among Time’s 100 most influential people, Buffett mentioned in an interview that making new friends from talk something shaped him into a successful business man. Such comment sounds highly convincing since he is a well-man of success.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that pay attention to the personal lives of celebrities such as entertainers or famous people. All things considered that my belief that my argument regarding has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 일단 어법상으로 문제가 되는 부분들이 많이 보입니다. 전반적으로 문법적인 부분에 있어서 오류가 보이기 때문에 에세이 플로우를 방해하고 있습니다. 좋은 에세이는 문법적인 부분에서 하자가 없고 상대방으로 하여금 의문이 안생기게 하는 것 입니다. 지금 이 에세이는 이러한 부분들이 보이는 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 전체적으로 무슨 말을 의도적으로 전달하려고 하는 지는 알겠으나 좀 더 구체적이였음 좋을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |