▶ Your Answer :
In this
competitive society, people always make a lot of effort to stand out and be
successful. Some people think that accepting criticism is not important to be
successful in their career. However, in my opinion, listening to other’s
critical reviews is crucial for success.
When people
accept other’s negative opinions, they will be able to know about their
shortcomings. If people do not accept criticism, they will not able to obtain
an opportunity to know about their shortcomings. Knowing disadvantages is very
important to overcome their problems effectively. Finally, if people did not
realize what their shortcoming is, they will not be able to make their situation
better and it will be very hard for people to be successful at their work place.
For instance, when I was a university student, one of my friends, Bob, and I
submitted an assignment of a biology class to our professor, separately. At the
time, the professor told us that our assignment needed to be improved and we
had to find the way to increase quality of the assignment, respectively. A lot
of friends of ours tried to give criticism to improve our assignment. I
accepted all of these negative opinions from my friends while Bob did not
listen to these criticism because of his bullish characteristics. Ten days
later, we handed in the assignment again to the professor. As a result, I
succeeded in increasing a grade of the assignment, but Bob could not. After
submitting the homework, I asked the professor about why I could increase my
grade and Bob could not. She told me that I seemed to make lots of effort to
improve my assignment by accepting other’s opinion because most shortcomings of
my report was overcome, but Bob’s assignment did not show various views except
for Bob’s opinion and there was no development. Had I not accept criticism from
others like Bob, I would not have been able to remove disadvantages of my
report and improve the grade of my assignment.
To sum up, people
shouㅣd listen to criticism from other people in order to know about negative things
that they did not realize. In conclusion, it will be hard for people who do not
interact with others to attain critical opinions to be successful.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 20 너무 한 단락에 많은 정보를 다루려고 합니다. 이러한 모습 때문에 에세이가 전체적으로 너무 장황하게 만들어 졌습니다. 특히 독립형 에세이에서는 전반적으로 두 개의 이유를 지향합니다. 한 단락으로 서술 할 수 는 있으나 이럴 때는 간결하게 본인이 무엇을 말하고 자하는 지를 다루어져야 하는데 지금 이 에세이는 이러한 부분이 부족하고 맥락없이 너무 길게 설명이 된 거 같습니다. 따라서 좀 더 간결하게 서술할 필요가 있어 보입니다. 이 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |