Best way to become healthier?
Getting enough sleep
Exercising regularly
Having a positive attitude
The difference of opinion on what is the best way to improve health has aroused heated arguments. Nevertheless, people have conflicting ideas. Some would say the best way to become healthier is working out regularly whereas others see it otherwise. From my point of view, I believe the formal stand is more justifiable. The reasoning behind my opinion is that exercising helps people keep in shape. Another important reason is due to the fact that other components are not prerequisites for a healthy life.
To begin with, in order to stay healthy, it is better for people to exercise regularly than anything else. This is because the culprit behind chronic diseases is an obesity making a deadly condition. For this reason, people should actively find ways to lose weight or stay fit. Therefore, a good way to keep in shape is exercising regularly. Some might argue that having a positive attitude can improve health. However, it is far-fetched to claim. For example, when I was a college freshman, I was an optimist because I entered a famous university having self-confidence. Consequently, I ate fully every day, and I became a severe obeseity. The more I was getting overweight, the more harmful I was in disease. After I realized such a severe situation, I did exercise every day in the morning. So, I could stay fit until now. Given this my example, thinking positively cannot substantially help people's health.
Furthermore, getting enough sleep makes people lazy and inactive, which as a result cause people to be reluctant to exercise, get overweight, and be lax. Even though enough sleep is a condition in which for people to stay healthy, it is not the best way to maintain their health. For instance, there was a survey completed by Health and Disease Management Korea Service with 2,000 patients as participants. The purpose of the survey was to better understand their recovery rate when they were sick. One group did workout periodically. On the contrary, another group did not exercise until the survey was ended. The majority of the formal group showed that their recovering rate was substantially higher than that of another group since exercising regularly is an essential role in health. As a result, we should pay attention to exercise every day if someone wants to stay healthy.
In a nutshell, although there are many reasons to be considered, it seems reasonable to claim that there is no more efficient way than exercising regularly. The reason is it protects people from deadly disease making stay in shape and cause to sharply recover their health.
안녕하세요 초보자 첨삭좀부탁드립니다..ㅠㅠ 미리 감사드립니닷..
예상점수: 27-30
총평: 일단 어법과 문법상 표현들이 굉장히 자연스러우셔서 글을 읽기가 굉장히 편하고 의미전달이 정확합니다. Fluency적인 문제는 찾기가 어려울정도로 훌륭하고, 단어선택도 적합하네요. 다만 idiom적인 문제 몇군데만 조심하시면 될 것 같아요. 글의 내용을 보자면 논지들이 단순한 면이 있지만 설득력이 부족하지는 않습니다. 조금 더 설득력이 강하게 하시려면 문장간의 연결에 조금 더 유의하시면서 글을 써주시면 될 것 같아요. 실제 시험에서는 실수만 조심하시면 충분히 고득점하실 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다.