▶ Your Answer :
Some
people think that the majority of business owners are not driven by pursuit of
wealth. However, in my opinion, most of them are driven by pursuit of wealth.
There are two reasons: First, wealth can relieve their stress. Second, owners
can make friends by wealth. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To
begin with, business owners are driven by pursuit of wealth because it makes
them happy. A fact that they can buy anything can be an outlet for people who
own their job. In other word, having the outlet for stress has a meaning in
itself since it helps one regain energy and find the strength to go on (여기서 outlet이 뭘 뜻하는 지를 명확하게 설명할 필요가 있습니다). People
nowadays have pressure not only physically but also mentally. It will help
people get back on track after buying something with their flowing money. A
study conducted by Jihun’s laboratory is a good example. The researchers
tracked the habits of people who own their business, spending money a lot over
a 5year period. What they found was intriguing. The people who used their
wealth a lot have less stress that those who did not. This is because they are
no anxious about money, buying lots of things. This study demonstrates that
wealth can relieve its owner’s stress.
Also,
wealthy owners can make friends by making money club. Imagine that holding a
party without money. Would it be possible to make friends in that party? The
answer will be “no”. The only way to make lots of friends would be to use lots
of money for party. The meaning of success has completely changed compared to
the past. In the past, it is only focusing on one’s own way to exceed others,
now it is different. Along with your own ability, it is crucial to be
recognized by others and have followers in your field. In this sense, using your
credit enough for people would be helpful. Take my experience, when I was a
kid, I did not have friends enough and money neither. I could not use money for
them. So, I tried to make lots of money. Now, I am a rich, and I use lots of
cash always in a party. And I met a lot of people there and got to know them.
And I have many friends now.
To
sum up, flowing can relieve business owner’s stress. Moreover, the owners can
make close fellows, using money for them. In this regard, I agree with the
statement that the majority of business owners are driven solely by the pursuit
of wealth.
Good:24~30 점수: 26 설명이 아주 잘 되어있는 독립형 에세이인거 같습니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요한 부분을 차지하는 것 중에 하나는 에세이가 얼마나 설득력이 있나 입니다. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우는 왜 비즈니스를 하는 사람들이 부를 위해 달려가야 하는지를 가장 적절하게 잘 서술되어 있는 에세이인거 같습니다. 설명이 잘되어있어서 지적할 부분도 없는 독립형 에세이입니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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