▶ Your Answer : Parent affects individuals significantly. Some people insist that parents are not best nor a teacher at all. However, my assertion is that parents are the most crucial teachers to individuals for the following reasons I will provide. To majority of people, parents are the first intellectual person that will meet that gives information about how world functions. This first step influences the child’s future massively. To begin with, parents tell how to survive from the world wisely. According to a recent research conducted by Seoul National University in 2017, several of sociologists have succeeded in proving that those who have positive memories tends to have successful career than those who have negative ones or none. By conducting a survey to 2,000 Seoul citizens, scientists have divided volunteers with the income they get and polled whether they have good memories on the childhood with their parents. Those who have incomes over average surveyed 86% that possessed positive memories whereas, those that have under average surveyed only 12% that possessed negative memories or with no memories at all. This clearly shows because parents are the first person to get information, it influences child’s success. On top of that, parents are the longest person that children will be taught on childhood. Thus, the most significant teacher would be teachers to individuals. For instance, the first memory I can think of is with my parents, and most of people have the same thought. Over the next 18 years after I get born, I’ve got taught by my parents by whether consciously or not. I learned how to eat by my parents, how to walk, even how to play. Unlike the teachers that people meets only for a year, parents teaches individuals until they get independent. Therefore, since parents are the most longest teacher that individuals face, they are the best teachers. To sum up, discussing whether the best teacher is parents or not, I will say that they are because they are the first teachers that individual meets and they are the longest teachers that people meets.
점수: 22 일단 전체적으로 주제를 벗어난 거 같습니다. 지금 이 에세이는 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류를 범하고 있는 거 같습니다. 첫 번째 이유는 이유에 대한 구체적 설명이 없이 바로 예시로 넘어갔습니다. 예시로 바로 넘어가다 보니까 이유가 무엇을 독자들에게 전달하려고 하는 것인지 잘 모르겠습니다. 두 번째 부분은 예시가 주제를 벗어났습니다. 좀 더 주제에 연관성이 있는 예시를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |