▶ Your Answer :
Although some people may hold different
ideas and opinions about the statement, I personally support that having lots
of vacation time is better than getting a higher salary without much free time
for the following two subsequent reasons. for the following two subsequent two reasons (앞에 statement를 명시하였는데 무슨 statement인지를 구체화 시키는 것이 좋습니다)
To begin with, lots of vacation refresh one’s
mind and give a relaxation which is a good time to think about his or her
future. In contrast, business deprives people’s relaxation and time to refresh their
mind, so some of them are exhausted due to little relaxing time (반복되는 표현이 계속 명시되어 있는 거 같습니다). When I worked as
an intern in an entertainment company, my main job was to organize some huge
events which can intrigue customer and make them buy our products. I often had
to spend whole day to prepare. Even if I got a high salary, my life was not
satisfied at all without free time. Also, there was no much time to prepare for
next step of my life. The reason why I chose to work as an intern was to know
how the entertainment company works, and I thought that I could have enough
time to study what I want during the internship. However, nothing could
possible due to its business.
Moreover, lots of vacation give people much
time to spend with friends or family. Our life is influenced by the
relationships we build with other people as we age. Both positive and negative
side of relationships give us memories which is priceless. To be specific,
whenever I saved money, I preferred to use it to spend time with my family. My
parents lived in Japan and I lived in Korea. Loneliness could be temporarily
filled by buying something that I wanted to have. On the other hand, travel
memories with my family are still vivid. Whenever I see the pictures, all the
situation occurred in the place is so distinctive as if I am there.
In a nut shell, although a high salary can
make people wealth, there are many things what people cannot buy with money.
Lots of vacation give you a relaxation and a memory.
점수: 20 일단 개연성이 부족한 거 같습니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 주제와 관련성을 못찾겠습니다. 두 번째 이유 같은 부분은 주제를 벗어난 거 같습니다. 이유나 예시 모두 주제를 벗어났습니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우는 불필요한 부연설명이 많습니다. 불필요한 부연설명은 전체적으로 에세이 플로우를 방해합니다 따라서 이러한 부분들은 자제하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |