▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, living environment plays a vital role in people’s daily lives. Some people think that students with tidy rooms achieve greater success than those with messy rooms while others think differently. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I had to choose one, I would say that students who can make their rooms organized are more likely to succeed than those who cannot for the following two subsequent reasons. To begin with, students with tidy rooms can cultivate important qualities needed for success. Keeping their rooms clean requires them to be diligent and self-disciplined. When these traits are developed, it is likely to bring a better result in school. For example, Yonsei University found a huge difference between two groups of high school students. One group consisted of those who had spent a hour a day on cleaning and organizing their rooms, and the other group was made up of those who had not. The researchers found that the former group had a higher score on the SAT. In particular, first group showed a longer attention span, and a stronger passion in their tasks. On the other hand, the second group tended to get distracted easily and acted on impulse. This supports the idea that cleaning room is the key to improve academic performance. Furthermore, when students clean their rooms on a regular basis, they can achieve success in health. In a room where which have has not been cleaned for so long, it is likely to decrease the students’ immunity. When their immune systems do not work appropriately, it is easy to get various diseases. For example, I have always been cleaning my room. As a result, I have been in good health. However, when I was in college, I had lived with a roommate who did not organize the room and made the room messy. At the first, I tried to keep my room neat even by myself, however, I was upset that the roommate made room dirty again. Therefore, I stopped cleaning the room. Because of dust, my neck was usually in pain and I catched a cold many times. If I had lived in a clean room, I would have been much better in health condition. In a nutshell, having tidy rooms allows students to develop important characteristics for academic success. Moreover, it contributes to their health conditions. In this regard, I personally think that when students keep their room clean, they are more likely to achieve success than those who do not.
예상 점수: 21-24 총평: 글이 첫번째 바디에 비해서 두번째 바디가 너무 툭툭끊기고 흐름이 부자연스럽습니다. 내용도 조금 더 설명을 구체적으로 하셨을 수 있을 것 같아요. 우선 문법적인 부분을 지적하자면 첫번째 바디에서 두 절을 이어주실때 접속사를 사용하는게 좋을 것 같아요. 또 그 접속사의 앞뒤절은 형태가 동일해야하므로 뒤에 동사도 과거형으로 써주셔야 합니다. 두번쨰 바디의 경우 a room이기 때문에 which has로 써주셔야 맞으며 뒤에 문장들에서는 the room이라고 써주셔야 그 특정한 room으로 해석될 수 있습니다. 나머지는 어법상 어색한 부분들인데 문장들으 조금씩 다듬어야 됩니다. 수고 많으셨습니다.
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