▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, children's living environment
can play a significant role in their developmental stages. Some people argue
that parents should send their children to daycare center, while others think
that the children should be left with individual caregivers differently. Both sides would
have their own reasons and ideas that support to support their arguments. If I were asked
to choose one, however, I would say that parents should leave their children at
childcare center. There are several reasons as follows for the following two subsequent reasons.
Leaving the children at childcare center
help them to be happier To begin with, children can become happier. At childcare center, children can meet lots of friends
at their own age. Also, the center tends to provide a well-organized play
programs, which tutors the children how to participate in games and plays, deal
with conflict situations, and cooperate with each other to guide better children. By learning them,
children can make many friends with peers, and having a wide variety of
experiences with those friends would positively influence the overall level of
happiness of the children When children have a variety of experiences with peers, the overall happiness will be increased. For example, my younger sister began to be taken
care by a babysitter when she was about 4 years-old, as my parents both had to
work full time. Even though the babysitter tried hard to give her a good care,
she used to get easily bored by the playful activities with the babysitter.
After some discussions, my parents sent her to the childcare center near home instead
of the individual babysitting. At there, she could meet a lot of kids in her
age, and had a wonderful time there. She made a castle with toy blocks with her
friends and learn how to help each other for common goals. She got to know how
to apologize to her friends in order to maintain a friendship. She even learned
caring for others with different backgrounds and characteristics. Eventually,
she began to change in positive ways. She laughed more often, and became more
active and passionate towards new experiences. If she kept staying at home with
the babysitter, she might have suffered from boredom, became miserable as a
result.
All things considered, I strongly believe
that the advantages of leaving the children at childcare center far outweigh
those of having a babysitter for the children for the reasons I have mentioned
above. All in all, the importance of one's happiness cannot be overestimated in
children's daily lives for their proper development.
점수: 23 너무나 많은 정보를 한 단락에 다 보여주려고 한 것 같습니다. 한 단락에서 다 보여주려고 하다 보니까 에세이 자체가 장황하게 되었습니다. 특히 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우는 너무 장황하고 예시 중점인 에세이 같습니다. 예시를 중점으로 하는 것 도 좋지만 이렇게 장황하게 되다 보면 에세이의 본질이 바뀔 수 잇습니다. 따라서 장황하게 에세이를 서술하는 것이아닌 간결하게 자신의 의견을 잘 전달할 수 있도록 에세이를 서술하는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |