▶ Your Answer :
Certainly, new technological devices play key role in people's daily life in may places where they work or play. Some people think that buying a new technological device right away is not beneficial while others think differently. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that it is better to buy the latest devices than to wait until others have use it for reasons as follows for the following subsequent reasons.
To begin with, new technological devices allow people to improve their work better. These devices are equipped many functions so that they might help people work more efficiently and accurately. When such functions are well used, It is likely to bring a better result such as in work performances or school assignments. For instance, 1 year ago, my sister was not early-adapter person. She worked in competitive illustrator company, but she often did poorly in her part although her sense of creativity are incredible. However, She has changed gradually after buying the latest tablet, which is machine equipped high quality drawing functions. In fact, Her painting abilities are not changed, but her new device allows her to product higher quality paintings efficiently. Thus, she and I realized that to survive in this world of endless competition, people ought to buy new devices even if the latest technological devices are quite expensive. This is because if she did not buy the tablet, she would still have fallen behind.
To sum up, I firmly believe that having the latest machines right away far outweigh those of waiting until many people have use it as I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of adapting new technological devices can not be overestimated in society.
점수: 22 일단 두 가지에서 문제가 있습니다. 먼저 첫 번째는 한 단락에 너무나 많은 정보를 넣으려고 합니다. 이렇게 많이 정보를 넣으려고 하니 전체적인 에세이 자체가 장황하게 됩니다. 따라서 장황하게 에세이를 서술하는 것 보다는 간결하게 자신의 의견을 전달하는 것이 더 효과적입니다. 또한 주제를 벗어 났습니다. 이 에세이의 주제는 새로운 전자기기가 등장했을 때 바로 사는 것이 좋냐 아니면 기다렸다 사는 것이 좋냐인데. 지금 이유를 보면 주제를 완전히 벗어났습니다 새로운 것을 사서 자신의 삶이 좋아졌다는 것에 대한 에세이가 아닙니다. 이 부분들을 숙지하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
감사합니다 |