▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that students who have clean rooms would be more successful than those who have rooms unorganized. However, I personally disagree with the above the idea for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, success is brought up by creativeness. (이유에 대한 구체적 설명을 하고 난 후에 예시로 넘어가시길 바랍니다) According to a study by Korea Creation Association, children who have tidy rooms tend to be obsessed with cleaning, which made them think only within finite range. On the other hand, students who do not care their rooms are highly likely to be creative can become creative. A survey was conducted by Korea Education Association in 2000 with 500 citizens as respondents. The purpose of it was to understand the consensus view whether well-organized children have good grades. The majority had not admitted the statement. The overwhelming of 80% had claimed that since children who were obsessed with cleaning rooms were not likely to think beyond cleanliness could not think beyond the cleanness, they would be think and behave in stereotyped. Thus, they could not be creative and would not be successful. The poll shows that people have a negative view on cleanliness is related with success.
On top of that, leaving rooms messy can make children save time to develop themselves. To be specific, students who do not cleans clean (do뒤에는 동사 원형 입니다) rooms can use their time more efficiently than those who always clean ones. This leads them to invest time in self discipline or develop, such as studying, athletes, hobbies, socializing. For example, I will talk about my experience to illustrate this point. When I was in middle school, I was so obsessed with cleaning room that I always were in alert to keep it clean, which made me focus on cleaning even when I sit on for studying for exams. I could not earn good grades due to that obssession. One day, my teacher advised me not to be obsessed with it, and just focus on studying. He said a messy room did not count. After that, I tried to focus only on studying, ignoring some messy ones on my rooms. Finally, I could get attain good grades since I could use time more efficiently before than.
To sum up, success is from creativeness, which is highly possesses by students who have rooms messy. Moreover, students who do not clean rooms can save time more efficiently for achieving goals. In this regard, I firmly believe that students who have messy rooms are less likely to be successful.
점수: 22 전체적으로 이 에세이를 보앗을 때 장황하다고 느껴지는 독립형 에세이인거 같습니다. 에세이가 장황한 거 같다라는 느낌이 가장 크게 드는 결정적인 요인은 전체적으로 이유에 대한 구체적 설명이 부족합니다. 부족하고 예시에 중점을 두다 보니 에세이가 장황해지고 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르게 되는 것 입니다. 따라서 좀 더 간결하게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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