▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, school funding plays a significant role in people`s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that schools should invest money organizing after-school social activities for children rather than improving the food of their cafeterias, while others do not think differently. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that schools should increase the usage of organizing after-school social activities for children rather improving the food of their cafeterias. There are reasons as follows. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, when school spends more money on organizing after-school social activities for children, students can improve cultivates need for success students can cultivate skills needed for success (동사가 두 개 입니다). It requires students to be diligent, passionate, and self-disciplined. When these personal traits are developed, it is likely to bring brings about a better result in performance. For example, my youngest brother did poorly in high school. He got distracted easily, procrastinated, and acted on impulse. However, he has changed little by little gradually after he transferred to other school in which invest money in organizing after-school activities for children and thus many students in the school participated in diverse activities. He participated in social activities club which helped abandoned children. He realized that his active participation could help him work with others easily, while his laziness could affect negatively. He maintain good behavior by raising grades in his school. If he were in high school in which invest money in activities club, he had not have fallen behind.
In addition, school`s spending money on organizing after-school social activities can contribute to an increase students overall happiness. It gives them more chances to experience something different from what they would do in their usual routine. A new experience tends to prevent them from feeling bored in life. For instance, when my sister was in high school, she often felt depressed thinking that her life became an exhausting routine. To survive in a competitive world, she spent the whole day studying all academic subjects, hoping that she could outdo others. Fortunately, she was able to deal could deal with such pressure and stress in a safe way by spending her free time doing after-school social activities that help older people in a care home after her school spent more money on organizing after-school social activities. By doing this In doing so, she was able to let off some steam could relieve some stresses. If her school invest money in organizing after-school social activities, she would not have been able to escape her boring life.
All things considered, I strongly believe that advantages of increasing the spends on organizing after-school social activities far outweigh those of increasing the usage on improving the food of schools` cafeteria for reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of investing money in organizing after-school social activities cannot be overestimated in life.
점수: 21 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 먼저 첫 번째는 인트로 부터 시작하여서 결론까지 전체적으로 너무 장황한 독립형 에세이입니다. 특히 단락들을 보면 불필요한 부분에 있어서 구체적 설명을 하는 경향이 있습니다. 이러한 부분을 조심하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 예시가 적절하지 않는 거 같습니다. 좀 더 구체적인 예시를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |