▶ Your Answer : Society generally hold the idea that emergence of big industrial or financial cooperation influence badly to society. However, in my opinion, expansion of big companies is good for society. Thus, I agree with build of large shopping center. for the following two subsequent reasons. First of all, construction of large shopping center make my society active economically makes economy better (construction은 단수 주어입니다 또한 이유에 대한 설명을 구체적으로 하고 난 후에 예시로 넘어가시길 바랍니다) . For instance, Amazon, one of the biggest industrial company in the world, make small town to big industrial city by moving their head office. From this example, construction of large shopping shop in my society would make my society better. Second, construction of large shopping shop accompanies other investment. For example, Tokyo, One of the biggest city in Japan, developed their city by consecutive investment. Primarily, they hardly receive first investment but they were able to develop could develop primary investment, upon that other investor has curiosity about investment potential of Tokyo. Eventually, Tokyo was able to receive investment consecutively. This example prove that large shopping center in my society provide another investment to my society. Lastly, Large shopping center provide diverse choice to purchase to my society. My society dosen't have big shopping shop or market. So, when I went to shopping shop, I had no choice but to buy basic goods. But, if large shopping shop would built, I could have more choice of purchasing. In conclusion, I firmly believe that large shopping center makes my society better. All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above.
점수: 22 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째는 이유에 대한 구체적 설명이 많이 부족합니다. 설명이 끝나지 않은체 바로 예시로 넘어가는 경향이 있으니 주의하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째는 이유가 세 개 다 보니 전체적으로 너무 장황합니다. 따라서 항상 독립형 에세이를 서술할 때에는 세 가지 이유 보다는 간결하게 두 가지 이유로 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |