▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, rooms` environment plays a significant role in people`s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that people whose rooms` are organized and neat are more likely to be successful than those whose rooms are not can become successful, while others do not think differently. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that people who have clean rooms tends to be more successful than people who have dirty rooms. There are several reasons as follows. for the following two subsequent reasons. To begin with, when people make neat rooms, it can help them cultivate qualities needed for success good qualities needed for success can be cultivated. It requires them to be diligent, passionate, and self-disciplined. When these personal traits are developed, it is likely to bring a brings about a better result in school or work. For example, my youngest brother did poorly in high school. He got distracted easily, procrastinated, and acted on impulse. However, he has changed little by little gradually after he began to clean up his room everyday after school. He realized that his active participation and diligence made him feel good and work with others well, while his laziness could negatively affect everyone. Thanks to his active participation, his room has been clean up and he started to maintain a good behavior by raising his grades in school. He showed characteristics of a longer attention span, a stronger passion in his tasks, and a better ability to delay gratification. He was able to excel could excel all throughout high school and received straight A`s in his classes. Without cleaning up his room, he would have fallen behind. In addition, organized and neat rooms can contribute to improving people`s mental health. It gives them a chance to improve their achievement and thus be confident about themselves. High confidence tends to prevent them from feeling inferior to others. For instance, when my sister was in high school, she often felt depressed thinking that her life became an exhausting routine. To survive in a competitive world, she spent the whole day studying all academic subjects, hoping that she could outdo others. Although she made constant effort, it was not easy because everyone was working as hard as she was. Fortunately, she was able to make could make her life more meaningful by cleaning up his rooms every weekend. By doing this, she was able to see In doing so she could see positive results she contributed to. Many people around her started to respect her, allowing her to be confident, optimistic, and strong. All things considered, I strongly believe that people who make their rooms be clean are more likely to be successful than those who have not clean rooms for reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of maintaining neat rooms cannot be overestimated in life.
점수: 21 일단 지금 이 에세이에서 나타나는 큰 오류점은 예시 부분입니다. 각 단락의 예시들이 길고 장황할 뿐만 아니라 주제와 맞지 않습니다. 특히 주제와 맞지 않는 예시를 서술하다 보니 이 예시를 통하여서 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 파악하기가 어렵습니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이에서 필요한 것은 좀 더 예시를 주제와 중점을 가지고 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다.
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