▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, success plays a significant role in people`s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that people in the past was easier to succeed than today, while others do not. think differently Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that people nowadays are much easier to succeed than those in the past. There is a reason as follows. for the following subsequent reasons. Above all, people who use machines can improve people`s work performance To begin with, people's work performance has been increased. Machines are equipped with many functions that help people do work efficiently and accurately. When such functions are well used, it is likely to bring a brings about a better result in performance. For example, my youngest brother did poorly in high school. He submitted his assignments late many times. It took a long time for him to go to the library, search for relevant books, and sort out information by reading through all printed materials. However, he has changed little by little after using his smart phone and the computer to do his research. He realized that using these technologies helps him complete his tasks faster with a higher accuracy. To be specific, with the help of smartphone apps, he was able to communicate with other team members right away without having to meet them in person. With the Internet, he was able to access a wide range of the latest information regardless of time and distance. One of the latest application programs helped him obtain the most reliable information at the click of a button. Thanks to these machines, he started to raise his grades in school by completing his assignments on time. He was able to excel all throughout high school and received straight A`s in his classes. Without taking advantage of machines, he would have fallen behind. All things considered, I strongly believe that in today people are more likely to be succeed than those who lived in the past for a reason I have mentioned above. All in all, this trend is likely to continue and pass down to the next generation.
점수: 22 한 단락에 너무나 많은 정보를 넣으려고 하는 독립형 에세이입니다. 너무나 많은 정보를 한 단락에 넣으려고 하다 보니까 전반적으로 에세이 자체가 너무 장황하게 변하였습니다. 에세이가 장황해지다 보니 본레 자기가 전달하려고 했던 의미들이 변질되었습니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이에서 가장 필요한 것은 좀 더 간결하게 본인의 주장을 전달하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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