▶ Your Answer :
There is currently a debate about whether it is better to move to a new city or country or not. The answer to this question may vary greatly depending on individuals’ perspectives. However, after pondering upon this idea from several aspects, I am of the opinion that moving to a new place is not a good idea with two essential reasons: adapting to a new home is stressful and living away from the old friends weakens the relationships with them. (일단 지금 이 에세이의 초점은 이사에 두는 것이 아니라 이사를 하면 친구를 잃냐 에 대한 것 입니다) To start the argument, being familiar with the new environment could be such a stressful thing for the movers. To begin with it is hard to adapt the new environment. It is evident that the surroundings such as neighborhoods, new school or workplace, and even an unfamiliar language (문장이 끝나지가 않았습니다 무엇을 설명하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다). As an instance, For instance, my family immigrated to Virginia, the state of the US when I was in sixth grade. We expected to have better life and more opportunities to improve our abilities there because of its advanced social system. However, since we were totally new to the American culture and language, we had to overcome unexpected hardships. We could neither communicate well with our neighborhoods nor students or co-workers at school or workplace. Thus, my parents, brother, and me all were diagnosed with the stress-related illnesses such as loss of hair, headache, or fatigue. As a result, we had to decide to go back to our country. Then we realized that moving to the US was good for nothing. Therefore, moving to a new place may not be the best choice in terms of gaining stress. On top of that, rather deciding to stay at the home city, people can strengthen the friendships with their old friends. Many consider that if people keep in touch with their old friends while living other places could retain the relationships. However, it is undeniable that spending time with old friends brings much more valuable memories with them, than merely sending messages or emails. The memories, then strengthens the friendships. itself strengthen the relationship (memories는 복수 주어 입니다) According to a recent research, conducted by a renowned psychological institution, people are more likely to feel they are in the close relationships with others when they meet and spend time together. This is because people People (this is because는 적절하지 않는 표현입니다) can empathize each other better when they are in face to face. The researcher concluded her study by stating that in order to keep a strong relationships with the friends, it is better to stay close to them rather moving to the new places. To conclude, I believe there is no doubt that it is not a good idea to move to a new city or country with the reasons mentioned above. Opinions may vary people to people, but what does not change is that this topic is something that needs to be addressed.
점수: 22 일단 인트로 부터 방향성이 명확하게 명시 되어있지 않는 에세이입니다. 지금 이 에세이의 주제는 이사를 하면 친구를 잃냐에 대한 에세이지 이사를 하는 것이 좋냐 나쁘냐 에 대한 에세이가 아닙니다. 첫 단추를 벗어나게 잡고 시작하다 보니 전반적인 단락들 모두 주제를 벗어난 독립형 에세이가 되어 버렸습니다. 따라서 주제에 초점을 좀 더 두면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. (453자) |