▶ Your Answer : Consequently, the importance of my view cannot underestimated for reasons that I mentioned above (주제가 무엇인가요? 주제가 명시되어 있지도 않습니다). However, my opinion is different from their view.I think that playing a computer game is not waste of time, so we should be allowed that for following reasons. for the following two subsequent reasons.
First of all,playing computer game enables us to relieve our stress. We always get stress in our daily routines. Such as studying in school or doing homework or having relationship with other people. Some people relieve that stress to play the computer games their stresses by playing games. I think that playing games good way to relieve stress because we can save money or energy doing computer games rather than doing other thing that relieve our stress is the good way to relieve stress as it does not contain a lot of energy. Relieve stress help us to doing better our works. Relieving stresses helps us to do better our works. For example, My brother get my brother gets (brother는 단수 주어 입니다) good points in all test and he loves game. He study vary hard in school and come back home, he often plays the game to relieve stress and do hobby. He says "If mom did not allow me to do computer games, I would not be as good point in test as I am now."When I listened that said , I changed my mind to playing games is not waste of time. In this regard, we can relieve our stress during we play the computer game.
Second, that behavior is not always give us to bad effects. does not always give us bad effect (동사가 두 개 입니다) Some people talk to bad point of playing computer game, but this is good points of computer game. (이 부분은 무엇을 말하려고 하는 거인가요?) Such as relieve stress, do communication with other people in oline games,and get job.Today, people become programmer and to earn money. For example,my friend,his name is jake,was love playing the game. So he play the game everyday and he can not studied well but he play the game well.Now then he become a progamer in some games. He get a status and money.In this regard, I think that playing computer game often give us good effects.
To sum up, I believe that playing computer game is not waste of time, so we should be allowed that for some reasons. Playing computer games give us good effect and that effects enables us to live better qulity of lifes. Furthermore,doing computer games enables us to relieve stress. Consecontly, the importance of my view cannot underestimated for reasons that I mentioned above.
점수; 20 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 존재하고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 먼저 첫 번째는 철자적 오류들이 너무 많습니다. 이러한 오류를 피하기 위해서는 에세이를 다 서술하고 난 후 정검을 꼭 하시길 바랍니다. 또한 지금 이 에세이는 설명 자체들이 모호하고 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 잘 모르겠습니다. 이러한 부분들 때문에 이 에세이를 통해서 하고자 하는 말이 무엇인지 모르겠습니다. 따라서 좀 더 명확하게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |