▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, a job plays a significant role in people`s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that a job with a lot of spare time is better than a job with higher salary, but less free time, while others do not think differently. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that job position which has a lot of free time is better than one with higher income, but less free time. There are several reasons as follows. for the following two subsequent reasons. To begin with, having a job with lots of vacation can help people improve their work performance. Enjoying a lot of vacation enables them to relax and recharge their batteries. When people are recharged, they are likely to have more energy to put into working and being active have more energy to work. For example, my youngest brother was in a computer company in which the company payed higher salary to employers. He got distracted easily, procrastinated, and acted on impulse because he had one vacation every two years. However, he has changed little by little gradually after he changed a company in which he had less money than the previous company but, he had vacations every month but had vacation every month. He realized that much vacations helped him recharge his battery and refocus on his work, while less free time could negatively affect his concentration. Thanks to much vacations, he started to maintain a good behavior by raising his work performance. He showed characteristics of a longer attention span, a stronger passion in his tasks, and a better ability to delay gratification. Without much vacations, he would have fallen behind. In addition, when people had a job position that has much vacation, it can contribute to an increase peoples` overall happiness people's overall happiness can be enhanced. After much work, having much vacations gives them a chance to experience something different from what they would do in their usual routine. A new experience tends to prevent them from feeling bored in life. For instance, when my older sister was in an automobile company where employers had much high salary and less vacation, she often felt depressed thinking that her life became an exhausting routine. To survive in a competitive world, she spent the whole day working everyday even weekends, hoping that she could outdo others. Fortunately, she was able to deal could deal with such pressure and stress by transferring to other company where employers have vacation every month. By doing this, she was able to let off some steam. In doing so she could relieve her stress. If he had not had much vacation, she would not have been able to escape from her boring life. All things considered, I strongly believe that the advantages of having much vacation far outweigh those of having less vacation, but much salary for reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of vacation cannot be overestimated in life.
점수: 26 약간의 문법적 오류들과 어색한 표현들이 있습니다. 이러한 부분들은 에세이의 전체적인 플로우를 방해하는 경향을 가지기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분이외에는 전체적으로 논리정연하게 자신의 주장을 잘 보여주는 거 같습니다. 군더더기 없이 필요한 부분들만 잘 전달해주는 독립형 에세이입니다. 수고많으셧습니다.
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