▶ Your Answer : Some people say that rich people and poor people can become good friends. However, in my opinion, I think it will be hard for them to become friends because of diffrence in money. for the following two subsequent reasons.
I think the rich and the poor cannot emphasize each others' situations To begin with poor and rich people cannot embrace each other. This is because they They (this is because는 적절한 표현이 아닙니다) have the biggest difference in money. Money can make one's life totally different. All of things such as house, car, food, hobby will be different between the poor and the rich. Which means each others environmnet is not same, it cannot be compitable. Is there any similarities between them? The answer will be no. (독립형 에세이에서는 의문형 문장은 옳지 않습니다) For instance, I once had a friend who is very rich. I do not think that I am poor but not rich too. My friend was nice and kind. However, I could not understand her circumstances. One day, she complaint about her dad. She said that her dad forces her to become a doctor because most of her family members are doctors and her family members are running a fuge hospital in a city. Since the hospital made a lot of profit, her dad wanted her to become a doctor and confirmother family members who are also doctors. Thus, her dad paid thousands of dallors for her study. He did spent a lot of money for her tutors. Since she was tired with her study, wanted to get some advice from me, but I could not understand her situation. This is because, I just try my best to enter a good school in order to get a high salary job. In addition, I do not have any tutors because my parents cannot afford it. I also do not have ability to pay for medical school, even if I want to become a doctor. This wasn't the only diffrence between us, there were more. Actually, most of things were diffirent. I did tried to understand her, but I could not understand her perfectly. Even now, it is still hard for me to understand her, because I even never thought about those circumstances.
점수: 20 일단 한단락에 너무나 많은 정보를 넣으려고 하는 독립형 에세이입니다. 너무나 많은 정보를 넣으려고 하니 에세이 자체가 장황하게 되었습니다. 에세이가 장황하다 보니 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 또한 지금 이 에세이는 결론이 없습니다. 독립형 에세이에서 결론이 하는 역할은 에세이를 마무리 하는 느낌이 있기 때문에 결론을 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 철자적 오류들이 많습니다. 에세이를 다 서술하고 난 후 검정을 꼭 하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. (단어개수 : 344)
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