▶ Your Answer :
In this essay, I will present two
reasons to support my idea; first is students do not always follow what teacher
says, and second is there is no appropriate standard to distinguish whether a
student has a good performance or not. (인트로에 적절하지 않는 거 같습니다 훅도 없고 상대방 의견도 없고 명확한 주제도 나타나지 않았습니다)
First of all, a lot of students
among them don’t really follow what teacher expects them to do, rather act
freely do not follow the instruction of teachers (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다). In this case, having bad performance would be students’ fault. In fact,
according to a research conducted in Yonsei University, around 81% of teachers
claimed that they are suffering from kids not listening to them, and almost 70%
of teachers resign because of students. It shows us students truly don’t obey
when teachers ask them to do something do not follow the saying of teachers. We
cannot say a child having bad behavior or score is not a teacher’s fault. Thus,
when having such payment policy, teachers will have hardship not because of
their own fault, but students’ misbehavior (문장이 덜 끝난 거 같습니다).
Secondly, let’s ask ourselves, what
is a ‘good’ performance? good performance depends on people's perspective (독립형 에세이에서는 의문형 문장을 서술하면 안됩니다) There is no standard for this adjective. A Korean independence
activist, Ahn Chang-Ho said, “Don’t expect others’ personality to be same with
me. A smooth stone and a rough stone both have their own function.” Like this,
everyone has different values. We all have different standard defining ‘good’. Someone might say having good score on each
subject is being good, another would say maintaining good attitude toward
others is a good behavior. To sum up, we cannot judge each teacher’s
achievement, since we cannot even make a decision whether a student is performing
good or bad. Furthermore, how can we distribute their salary in different
grade? How can we make a judgement about ‘good’ and ‘better’? This means that teachers
being paid according to how their students perform, is not an appropriate way
to give them salary.
With these two reasons, I
disagree with giving teachers money based on their students’ performance.
점수: 20 일단 인트로 부터 시작혀서 결론까지 명확하게 주제를 확실하게 보여주지 않는 독립형 에세이입니다. 이러한 부분도 포함하여서 전체적으로 설명 부분에 있어서 많이 모호합니다. 모호할 뿐만 아니라 너무나 많은 의문형 문장들 때문에 각 단락들이 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 따라서 좀 더 구체적으로 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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