▶ Your Answer :
In this essay, I will present two reasons to support my
idea; first is we do not have deep discussions with people and second is people
spend time with their smartphones, not friends. (주제를 명확하게 보여주지 않는 인트로 입니다. 인트로에 적합하지 않는 에세이인거 같습니다)
Firstly, unlike
past, people do not actually try to have deep talks with their friends, family
members and so on and family members. It’s true that one can share his or her daily life with SNS
account very easily; however, one only shows the apparent parts of their life and
does not go any deeper. Everyone is interested in others’ shown life, not the
true image or mind. We are not interested in our friends’ problems, thoughts,
etc and thoughts. According to a research held in Sogang University, more than 80% of
human-beings upload their daily life only for showing it to others; actually,
they do not want to talk seriously or communicate with others.
Secondly, it
is very easy for us to approach our phones, thus we try to play with our phone,
not other people including friends. It is convenient for us to spend time with
smartphones, rather tiresome to prepare to meet friends. Professor Lee Gi Hak
in Yonsei University said, “People, especially teenagers and adolescents try to
talk with friends only with their phones. It’s because communicating with a
smartphone is easier and simpler. While almost an hour is needed to prepare
before meeting friends, it only takes a few seconds to talk with smartphones.
This is why we all like to use it, but there are limits There are some limits by only using smart devises to take conversation. First, deep talks are
almost impossible. Second, it is important to catch nonverbal cues when having
a conversation, but it is difficult to find it when talking with phones.” As
clarified here, it is hard for us to catch something more than words using
smartphones. It hinders the true communication among people. It is certainly
true that technology help us to be closer with others together; however, it is
just making us convenient, not making us to have the real communication.
점수: 20 일단 인트로 부터 적합하지 않는 독립형 에세이입니다. 명확한 주제 자체가 나오지 않았습니다. 또한 지금 이 에세이는 결론이 없습니다. 독립형 에세이에서 결론이 하는 역할은 에세이를 마무리 짓는 것 입니다. 따라서 결론을 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 너무 설명들이 모호합니다. 모호하다 보니 무엇을 말하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 이러한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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