▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that using mobile phone bring many
advantages in our life, especially they need to contact others immediately brings about many advantages (ing주어 뒤에서는 단수 동사 입니다). However,
in my opinion, cell phones have been controlled our life because they ring any time
and we spend our time on doing valuable stuff if we were use not our phones. for the following two subsequent reasons (이미 밑에서 이유들을 다 설명을 할 것이기 때문에 인트로를 장황하게 서술할 필요가 없습니다)
To begin with, in modern life most people have cell phones
and they rings always and these ring bell bother people. To be specific, when
people doing important work such as study or meeting, ringing bell disturb
people’s work because their phone stopped their work flow disturbs the performance of people. To explain this, I
would like to talk about myself. A few month ago, I had big test, so I had to
study a lot. However, my cell phone constantly rang while I studied due to my
sister needed my help. I ignored several phone calls from her so then she
started call to my friends, so I had to deal with that. It was so stressful on
account of I had to keep stopping my study, and I could not concentrate at all.
Finally, I felt like I wanted to throw my mobile phone. This shows that we
cannot feel free as long as we have mobile phones, because people who need us
can access whenever they want.
On top of that, we would do many other things if we do not
use phones that much. That means, we spend so much time on using our cell phones
at present, especially smart phones, so if we were stop using our phones doing
meaningless things, we can do more productive stuff such as exercise. For
example, a study conducted by the university of London to determine whether
using mobile phones could affect people’s time management. There were two
groups monitored. The first group was formed of people who strongly restricted using
their phones. Another group of people use their cell phones freely. And
researchers tracked how they spent their time. The result was intriguing. The former
group managed their time much better than the latter. This is because when When (this is because는 적절하지 않는 표현 입니다) people stopped to use their phones, they started to find other work like
reading books and eventually they got used to do without their phones so they
felt more free. On the other hand, the latter group spent their time on using
their cell phones all the time, most people in the group just lowered their
head and texted or chatted with others. They looked like a slave of their
mobile phone.
In a nutshell, our life distracted by our endlessly ringing
cell phones and we life is limited life by using cell phones too much. Thus, I strongly
believe that we subordinated by our mobile phones, it cannot make us freely.
점수: 21 전체적으로 너무 장황한 독립형 에세이입니다. 독립형 에세이에서 에세이 자체가 장황하게 되다 보면 본레 자기가 전달하려고 했던 의미들이 변질되게 됩니다. 의미가 변질되다 보면 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 파악하기가 어려워집니다. 따라서 지금 이 에세이에서 필요한 것은 좀 더 간결하게 자신의 주장을 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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