▶ Your Answer :
In this essay, I will present two reasons to support my
idea; first is that kids do not have enough endurance for their less
consumption, second is they have no rights to earn money so it is impossible to
have same responsibility with adults. (인트로 부터 적절하지 않는 독립형 에세이입니다 주제가 명확하게 서술되어있지도 않고 훅이랑 상대방 의견 조차 없습니다)
First of
all, children do not have enough endurance for saving to save. It is absolutely true
that we need to save our money - to achieve it, we should try not to spend too
much. For children, however, it is a very difficult thing. They look at
everything, be curious about all those things and try to buy. According to Marshmallow
Experiment, only 30% of the total children endured eating marshmallow;
likewise, children have no attempt to bear the situation – if they want to get
something, they likely to buy it. This is the reason why they would not be more
financially responsible as adults, since most adults have endurance and know
what the right judgement in each situation is.
Secondly, even
if children are allowed to make their own financial ‘decisions’, they have no
right to work outside and earn money. This means the only income they have is
the allowance their parents provide them providing. Thus, the real possessor of the money
is not the child, but his or her parents. It is wrong to say that the child
cannot spend the money; however, when considering who is more responsible, it
is the parents. It might be true that if children are allowed to make their own
monetary decisions, they would be more financially responsible, but not as much
as adults. It is almost possible to break the wall between child and adult,
since it is one of the basic standards for us to distinguish child and adult.
점수: 20 인트로 부터 적절하지 않는 독립형 에세이입니다. 인트로 자체가 훅도 없고 상대방 의견도 없고 주제 또한 명확하게 전달하고 있지 않습니다. 또한 지금 이 에세이는 결론이 없습니다. 독립형 에세이에서 결론이 하는 역할은 에세이의 마무리를 짓는 것 입니다. 따라서 결론을 꼭 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 전체적으로 불필요한 부연설명들이 많으니 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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