▶ Your Answer :
In this essay, I will present two
reasons to support my idea; first is investment do not always lead to the best
educational environment, and second is that it might have side effects if
investment is the only thing a parent does. (이렇게 시작하기 전에 나의 idea가 뭔지 설명한다면, 더 쉽게 쉽게 essay를 follow할 수 있을 것 같습니다.)
Firstly, investment do not always
lead to the optimum educational circumstances (이런 단어 사용 너무 좋은 것 같습니다. 다양합니다) for a child. Investment is
something you can succeed, but also fail. Likewise, child can bear the
circumstance or not, too. A parent is a human, when they failed in their
investment, they will be very depressed and start to blame another. In case of
investing to their child, they would blame their sons and daughters. Being
together is why family is significant; however, by blaming their child the
child might close his or her mind to their parents, which leads to the family
schism. Therefore, it is important to know enough investment for the child’s
education is good, but it might be rather dangerous if excessive.
Secondly, child is not someone
going to the school and must have good grades every semester. They are one’s
son or daughter, a person who not only needs financial or educational support
but also mental, emotional support. According to the survey conducted in Ewha
Womans University located in Korea, almost 70% of Korean parents thought that
doing something good for child’s education was the best thing they could do for
their children, while 85% of their children replied their parents were not interested
in their psychological health and wanted to be apprised. What to infer here is,
probably many parents might only seek for better education, only for their
child; however, the child doesn’t think it is the best way to take care of
them. The children want to share feelings and do activities together. Best
parents not just make them learn but try to be together with their sons and
daughters.
에세이 너무 좋습니다. 일단 주장도 너무 탄탄하고, 이를 뒷받침하는 문장들이 전부 reasonable하고 문법에 잘 맞게 쓰여서, 읽기가 너무 좋습니다. 문법 오류도 크게 없고, 어휘도 다양하게 잘 활용하고 계신 것 같습니다.
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