▶ Your Answer :
In this essay, I will present two reasons to support my
idea; first is environment actually has effect on our health, and second is if
government pays attention to health care issues and make a great welfare
system, there are too many wastes.
계속 이렇게 쓰시는데, 물론 이것도 좋지만 처음 시작할떄 자신의 position을 더 확실하게 표현하고 시작하면 훨씬 더 깔끔한 form될 것 같습니다.
First of all, in fact, environment has effect on our health.
What this means is that even if we have a great health care programs and
welfare, it would not function 100% perfectly if we have bad environment.
According to research conducted in Yonsei University, more than 78% of the
people replied that their health is getting worse and worse because of Korea’s
environment – specifically because of fine dust, which is a big issue nowadays.
It is well-known that Korea has great health care system due to the health
insurance system by government; however, only because there is no solution for
the environment problem, the health insurance is no use. People go to hospitals
very easily with little cost, but their health doesn’t get better. This is the
first reason why the government should pay attention to environmental issues
more.
Secondly, if government pays attention to health care issues
and have good health welfare system, too many wastes come out. Survey targeting
hospitals shows that because people are easily accessible to medicines and
medical supplies, they take away such supplies as many as possible, even though
they do not really need it. It is a big waste; furthermore, it might have a bad
effect, since they can be dependent on such medicines by abuse. They also
mentioned that government tries to give help as much as possible, while people
only try to take as much as they can, even when it is unnecessary. Likewise, when
the government pays attention to health care issues more than environmental
issues, too many wastes are made. Moreover, if the government puts more effort
on environmental issues, the nation will have a good image internationally;
thus, concentrating on environmental issues than health care issues is more
beneficial to the nation.
가끔 단수복수 헷갈리는 단어들이 몇개씩 보이는 것 같습니다. 이런거나 조그마한 문법 오류들은 한번씩만 에세이 다시 읽으면 고쳐지는 것들이니 에세이 복습 꾸준하게 해주세요. 어휘들은 다양성 아주 좋은 편입니다. 이것도 마찬가지로, conclusion이 정확하게 없다 보니까 에세이가 어디서 끝나는지 약간 두루뭉술하게 느껴지는 감이 있습니다. 앞에서 자기 의견 피력하는 거랑 뒤에 conclusion똑바로 적어주시면 훨씬 더 정확도 높은 에세이 될 수 있을 거라 생각합니다.
|