▶ Your Answer : Undoubtedly, education to teaching children about managing money plays a significant role in people`s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that children should learn how to manage money from an early age. There is a reason as follows. Above all, when children learn how to deal with money from an early age, they can deal with money well.(첫 문장으로 쓰기에는 너무 당연한 말이라 약간 흥미가 떨어집니다) Personal traits established from an early age are difficult to change as the saying goes, “Old habits die hard.” When people have good personal traits, it is likely to bring a better result in their lives. For example, my oldest brother has had much property and ability to manage money from an early age. Our parents taught how to manage money when my oldest brother was seven years old. He realized that managing money well could help him save money, while his ignorance of money could negatively affect his financial situations. Thanks to education of managing money from an early age, he started to maintain a good behavior by saving money and managing money. If he had not learned to manage money from an early age, he would not have fallen behind. All things considered, I strongly believe that advantages of education of managing money from an early age far outweigh disadvantages of that for a reason I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of learning about managing money from an early age cannot be overestimated in life.
일단 이유 설명하는 paragraph가 하나밖에 없는 게 너무 아쉽습니다. 이유가 2개 이상인 에세이가 가장 이상적인 것 같습니다. 그리고 첫 문장을 쓸때 사람들의 흥미를 확 잡아당기는 뭔가가 있어야 되는데 그게 아니고 너무 당연하게 시작하여서 채점자로 하여금 흥미가 약간 떨어지는 부분이 있었습니다. 어휘나 문법 등 약간씩 오류가 계속 있으니 복습하여서 이런 오류 고쳐주세요. old habits die hard처럼 이런 phrase써주는 건 너무 좋았습니다.
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