▶ Your Answer :
There are some disagreements over whether
or not technology makes people's life be not only simpler but also often more
complicated. Some people believe that technology is not complicated to people
and helps only people's lives to be convenient. My view, however, is that
science in the modern society often makes people's life be more complex. This
is because there is the sense of greediness y in people's mind. Moreover, there is
accumulated information.
To
begin with, people have a tendency to continuously desire. The first innovation
was made to mainly overcome the inconvenience of life. However, people continue
to want to be more convenient and improve their quality of life more than the
past. With the help of rapacious people's mind, the scientific technology is
more enhanced and sophisticated. For example, the cell phone was invented to
contact with others by calling. The function in connection with calling was
easy for people to handle. However, people wanted to add some functions in the
cell phone. First, people made the cell phone to send a text message and listen to
music with low quality. Finally, they succeeded to make the smart phone that
helps people to access to the internet and acquire a wide range of information
wherever like a computer. The smart phone is difficult for people to handle on
it because of complicated programs such as the app and phone banking.
In
addition, the knowledge is gradually accumulated and complicate. The technology
was started with simple theory. The less information was enough to remember
through people's brain. However, as time has passed by, the technology has
improved and been complex as much as ordinary person is difficult to grasp the
knowledge, which means that only experts can control a wide range of
information, and even they should depend on another technology. According to the
study conducted by a team at Korea University, the study revealed that people's
brain would be utilized mainly to arrange and adapt exorbitant information
instead of memorizing. This means that a lof of technology would be mixed and amalgamated.
Consequently, the amount of information will exceed the amount that people can handle is exceed and
people would live in a complicated society.
주제가 어려워서 brainstorming 하는데 힘들었습니다ㅠㅠ
다른 아이디어 좀 알려주시면 감사하겠습니다ㅜㅜ
결론은 시간 부족으로 쓰지를 못 했습니다
Fair (17-23) 서론 -복수이므로 live-->lives -sense of 명사 로 써주세요. -greediness가 첫본문에 나오는 desire과는 어감/의미가 다릅니다. 서론에도 desire또는 ambition으로 바꿔주세요.
두번째 본문 -파란 부분 이해하기 어렵습니다. 삭제하시거나 더 명확하게 설명해주세요. -문장 두개 잇기 위해서는 등위접속사 필요한데, 이 경우에는 and가 적합합니다. -빨갛게 바꿔드린대로 표현 바꿔주세요. 이유들은 괜찮으나 본인이 문장이나 표현으로 표현하시는데에 용이하지 않아 더 이해하기 어렵게 되었습니다. 같은 이유라도 표현력과 문장력 키우면 독자들이 이해하기 쉽고 본인이 설득력있게 주장하시기도 좋습니다. 문법/표현을 더 많이 연습해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~
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