▶ Your Answer :
Some people believe that taking a risk is ruthless, especially for the young people. They think it because their youths are too valuable to be wasted. However, I firmly believe that putting oneself in a high risk situations are very important in early stage of a person's life. The young might gain profound experience which possibly nourish them. Also, it is the only time when the failures from the risk are accepted and the person could prepare for the better attempt.
First of all, risking oneself gives a lof of experience including some hardships hardnesses. These obstacles might make them fit on a competitive society where they are going to be involved in a next few years. Having an experience of solving complicated problems and enduring unfavorable situation would definately become an asset for the young generation. For example, when I was in high school, I went to a travel to Peru by myself. Although I had an option to choose a package tour with an experienced guide, I had carried on the whole journy alone. It was demanding travel. I encountered several dangerous moments such as almost being caught by flocrk of wild dogs, lost in the middle of a cannon. However, every single moments I had experienced made me stronger as well as gave me a faith that I could overcome any types of problems. This attitude finally turned out to be quite useful as I grow up and struggle ing with stressful life.
Second, the more younger you are, the more likely that your failure would be accepted. People generally expect better outputs on the elder people, assuming that they are more experienced and bearing more expertises. In On the contrary, the younger generation relatively has lower rate of expectations. In other words, youth is the only period that a person could implement their belief freely. Therefore, they should utilize the opportunity and set a step for further growth. The study conducted by Global Bussiness Journal, a person who has ve experienced their failure while putting oneself into a risk has better chance to success compared to the one who experienced the same thing in their older period of life: 30s or 40s. The researchers also found that the main reason is that younger people have nothing to lose, so that they have less burden on their conduct. Plus, they have enough time to correct the failure and develop it in the a plausible plan.
For these reasons, I believe that the young people should not be afraid of taking a risk in order to explore new things so that exploring a new things. It would surely turn out to be valuable asset in one's career.
Good (24-25) 서론 -that 절에서 주어 자리에 있으므로 put 동사형이 아닌 putting 동명사형으로 써주세요.
첫번째 본문 -hardnesses 어색한 표현입니다. 어려움은 hardships, stuggles 등의 단어로 써주세요. -사회에 속할 것이다, 속해진다의 의미로 수동태가 어울립니다. be p.p -모음앞에는 a-->an -to 부정사는 to+동사 원형 -철자 오류 flork-->flock -grow 와 병렬 구조로 쓰였으므로 struggle 원형으로 써주세요. 두번째 본문 -more 과 younger 둘다 비교급 형태이므로 중복입니다. more young 혹은 younger 로 써주세요. -In contrast 혹은 On the contrary
결론 -바꾼대로 혹은, so that they can explore new things로 써주세요.
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