▶ Your Answer : Without doubt, it is important how to deal people's freedom because it critically influences people's life quality. With this understanding, I think that people's freedom must not be infringed in any cases for two reasons. This is because not only it is not an effective way to deal problem but also it is dangerous.
First of all, infringing upon people's freedom is not effective. This is based on the fact that freedom is the most important factor for human's rights. Since surppressing people's freedom could lead to formation of groups who are antagonizing the behavior, it could not be an effective way to solve problems. For example, in South Korea, President Jeon-doo hwan suppressed a lot of people's freedom by supervising media and school. Even though he now says that he did such behaviors in order to save people's security, his behaviors caused many protestant, causing casuing many people's secqurity to be in jeopardy.
On top of that, infringing upon people's freedom is dangerous. This is because it can cause unwanted victims, which ultimately results in another social problems. For instance, today, in France, the government uses military power to prevent another terrors and supervise the daily lives of people. However, this causes other innocent Muslims to live uncomfortable life by threatening their religious belief such as prohibiting the wearing of Hijab in common places.
To sum up, I believe that it must not be allowed for people's freedom to be infringed for two reasons : a useless method to solve the problem, possibility of rising another problems. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
Good (24-26) 서론 -명사 앞에 관사
첫번째 본문 -철자 오류 surpressing-->suppressing -모음 앞에 a-->an -철자 오류 causing -철자 오류 security
두번째 본문 -내용이 짧습니다. 내용 보충해주세요. 예시 앞에 본인의 이유에 대한 설명을 더 해주세요. -another +단수 -수 일치
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