▶ Your Answer :
Today, entering prestigious universities and colleges becomes more important day by day. This is because a majority of good universities and college can guarantee their student's abilities and skills. In this viewpoint, some people think that these schools will put lay emphasis on their academic compositions like classes and libraries, whereas other people suggests otherwise that they are responsible for investing their money on sports and social activities. Various opinions may exist on this controversial issue. However, as far as I am concerned, I am in complete agreement with the later argument. I will explain my viewpoints for following essay.
To begin with, playing sports and taking part in assorted social activities can help us interacting well with people and socializing. tTaking courses is are not a the most important reasons why we attend universities. pPursuing private interest like soccer or organizing and playing a role in social activities can bring us positive consequences in fact. For instance, when I was an freshman, I joined a football club for playing football and for meeting more friends from diverse culture and walks of lives. In this club, not only I could make a progress in my football abilities, but also I met many best friends in there and keeping in touch until now. I totally could take advantages of joining football club in my college. In this regard, I believe that if universities invest more time and money on improving quality of these activities, students can be expected to learn and experience more things in fact.
On top of that, this is because many companies prefer hiring persons who can play a sort of sports or have experiences such as internship or club activity. Competitions among students become severer for finding better job positions. Although receiving academic classes and studying in more elaborated libraries are important, but it is also as important as for getting benefits from these various activities in universities and colleges. A research conducted by a renowned professor named Peter Kim in Dokyo university indicates that 100 leading firms in Japan prefer candidates who have experienced diverse social activities like internships. It also shows that some corporate responded its research noted that they are willing to hiring persons having assorted experiences rather than other persons who have higher GPA scores.
To sum up, advanced classes and libraries also admittedly are regarded as important factors in school,; however, it does not means that sport and social activities can be underestimated. In this regard, I am convinced that universities and colleges are needed to concentrate on their sports and social activities for these reasons.
Good (24–25) 서론 -a majority of 구문 -put emphasis on 구문 -various 이므로 복수. various opinion-->various opinions
첫번째 본문 -대소문자 오류 -taking 주어이므로 그것을 받는 동사는 단수 동사. are-->is -최상급은 the. the most -대소문자 오류
두번째 본문 -although 주어+동사, 주어+동사 에서, although가 ~에도 불구하고, 이므로 뒤에 but을 쓰는 것은 어색합니다. 결론 -주어+동사 ; however, 주어+동사 로 해주세요.
내용 두 본문 다 괜찮습니다. 문법 실수 많습니다. 연습해주세요.
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