On top of that, even if the government spends less money on public libraries, public library libraries users still have alternatives to public libraries for obtaining reading materials. Instead of going to the library, libaries, they can buy used books at low prices. This demonstrates that people would not be largely affected by reducing funding for public libraries. For instance, I recently wanted to borrow a couple of books to read during winter vacation, but the public library in my hometown was closed for a national holiday. Instead, I went to a local bookseller who offered a variety of books. I bought some books that I had wanted been wanting to read at a cheap price. On the other hand, military services cannot be replaced by any organization. So, the government should not reduce spending on military services. Funding for the military miltary should not be reduced. 이 문단에서도 military service로 마무리되는 것은 조금 어색할 수 있어요. military는 대체할 수 없다고 언급하면서 비교하는 내용 자체는 좋지만, 마무리는 '그러니까 도서관에서 줄이는 게 제일 현명하다'로 정리되는 편이 글의 일관성 면에서 더 좋습니다.
To sum up, benefit-cost ratio of public libraries is lower than that of other public services and there are other proper alternatives to public libraries. In this regard, the government should spend less money on public libraries in case of economic crises.
Comment :
주제에 맞게 내용을 아주 잘 응용해주신 것 같아요. 몇 가지 오탈자 실수 체크해주세요. 각 본론 내용을 마무리짓는 부분은 본론의 요지를 강조하고 주제와의 연관성을 드러내는 역할을 할 수 있도록 구성해주는 편이 좋으니 참고해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4.5/5
An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following :
- Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated
(문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함)
- Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details
(적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함)
- Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections
(중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남)
- Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning
(글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)