▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, technological device plays a significant role in people’s daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think that buying a new technological device right away is better when it becomes available than waiting until many people take it, while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that it is better to use a novel technological device right after being released to the market than to take it after many people use it. There are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, buying and using a new technological device right after it becomes available can allow people to improve their work performance. The most recent device is equipped with many functions that help people do work accurately and efficiently. When such functions are well used, it is likely to bring a better result. '언제' 구입해서 쓸 것인지의 문제이므로 '빠를수록 좋다'라는 내용이 설명에 함께 들어가는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 남들보다 더 효율적이고 더 정확하게 일을 바로 처리할 수 있으니까 좋다, 사회에서 빠르게 일처리하는 것이 나날이 중요해진다, 하는 식으로 중요성을 드러낼 수 있는 상황을 함께 보완해주세요. For example, my youngest brother did poorly when he was in local elementary school. In fact, he was not interested in studying English especially, because he had was not able to translate Korean, which is his mother tongue, into to English well. Therefore, he got distracted easily, procrastinated, and acted on impulse when studying it. However, he changed little by little after our mother bought him a new iPod. It had an automatic translation program, so he was able to understand what the book said by using it. He realized that the cutting-edge technology could help him understand difficult English well, while his old laptop that had only a typing program could not help him study an the important language. Naturally, he started to maintain a good behavior by raising his grades in school. He showed characteristics of a longer attention span and a stronger passion in his tasks. Without his new technological device, he would have fallen behind.
All things considered, I strongly believe that the advantages of purchasing the most resent device far outweigh those of using a device that many people already have. All in all, the importance of using a new technology cannot be overestimated in the pursuit of success life.
Comment : 모델에세이를 잘 활용해서 답안을 만들어주셨어요. 지금 사례는 조금 억지스럽게 느껴지는 부분도 있는데, 이 주제에 맞게 활용할 다른 모델에세이도 생각해보시면 좋은 연습이 될 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3.5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |