▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that high schools should permit students to decide what to
wear to school. (이 문장에서 should는 필수적으로 넣어주셔야 합니다, 그렇지 않으면, "어떤 사람들은 고등학교들이 학생들이 무엇을 입을지 결정하게 허락한다고 생각한다"로 해석이 됩니다. '허락해야한다고 생각한다'로 해석이 될 수 있도록 should를 넣어주세요)However, in my opinion, all students should wear school uniform
because it has more benefits (누구에게 정확히 어떤 benefit을 주는지 언급을 해주세요) than letting students to wear clothes what they want.
To begin with, students can save money through by wearing school uniforms.
This is because most teenagers spend money for their beauty and clothes. are the
one of their cause that they use money. For example, school is most populous
place to students and they try to show themselves to others with clothes and
this makes them to buy clothes. (해석이 잘 안되는 어색한 문장입니다 - Students are sensitive about what they wear because they are very conscious of how other students view themselves. This makes them to spend money on clothes) But if they should need to wear only one and the same outfit cloth in
school, they do not have to spend money on fashion for their beauty.
On top of that, students can earn time for studying. This is because
they usually consider spend many hours for on what to wear their fashion for the next day and it reduces
their studying time. In fact, they do not have much time at night but if they
spend many time for design thinking about their clothes, time almost gone, and they will need to just skip
studying and sleep.
To sum up, students can save time and money through by wearing their school
uniforms. In this regard, I believe that requiring the students to wear school
uniforms is more effective than allowing them to decide what to wear to school.
Score: 11 Comments: - 처음으로 쓰신거를 감안했을 때 정말 잘 쓰신 것 같아요. 기본적인 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다. 제시하신 이유도 적절합니다. - 그러나 설명이 부족합니다. 토플 라이팅에서는 항상 주장을 받혀줄 구체적인 예시나 통계가 필요합니다. 본론 분량을 조금 더 길게 해주시면 좋겠습니다. 더 논리적인 설명이 필요합니다. - 설명이 명확하지 않은 부분들도 있습니다. 특히 본론1에 하이라이트 된 부분을 조금 더 정리해서 써주시면 좋겠습니다. - 서론에서는 many benefits보다 because it allows students to save time and money이런식으로 언급을 해주세요. - 문법 실수보다는 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 예를 들어, save time through wearing their school uniforms 보다는 by가 더 자연스러운 표현이 됩니다. - cloth는 단수로 쓰일 때는 천 조각의 의미를 가지고 있습니다. - beauty는 패션보다 메이크업을 의미합니다.
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