▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that it is a better choice
to get advice from peers, while others think that getting advice from older
people is better. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views.
If I answer the question, I personally I would say believe that older people’s saying advice is the best
advice. There are two reasons as follows.
First of all, the world has changing changed over
time. In the past, there were most a lot of people who wanted to succeed together (표현이 모호합니다 - 무엇에 있어서의 성공인지, 성공을 함께 한다는 것이 무슨 의미인지 영어에서는 구체적으로 설명을 해주셔야 합니다).
However, as the world became a dog-eat-dog world, people have begun to have extreme
thoughts. Time is gold for people, and thus, they only invest in time for their own success and thinking of others as rivals. For example, when I was a high school
student, I had a very selfish friend. She never helped others and only
concentrated on her own studies studying. As a result, many friends, including myself me, were
hurt by her behavior. At one time, I asked her for help, but she refused to give me help refuted my
asking. Eventually I could not get advice from her, but she entered The Seoul University,
the best university in Korea. (주제와 관련이 없는 내용입니다) It indicates that nowadays a competition is being
severe, and thus, it is difficult to get advice from friends.
Second, older people have more experience
in life, which means that their decision is very helpful. People experience
many things as they get older. Life is about making choices, so older people’s advice gives our us something to think about ("생각해볼만한", 식의 의미입니다. 그들의 조언이 중요하다고 느껴지게 하지 않습니다 - can be valuable, can be important등으로 표현을 해주시는 것이 더 좋겠습니다) while standing when we are at a crossroad. Especially,
in academic performances, a senior’s advice is the best realistic advice. For example,
a many research centers, including Singapore Research Center, analyzed a data
from two groups of college students. One groups is consisted of those who
considered their aptitudes and seniors’ advice when they decided their jobs,
and second group was made up of those who did not considered older people’s advice. Researchers found that the former was more likely to have high level of
employment satisfaction, on the other hand, the latter was more likely to have
low level of job satisfaction. Without getting advice from older people, one would
not have been able to be satisfied with satisfy their jobs.
All things considered, the advantages of
asking older people a favor far outweigh those of earning advice from peer for
the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, the importance of getting help
from elders cannot be overestimated in life.
Score: 13 Comments: - 전체적으로 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다. - 내용이 주제와 안맞는 부분들이 많습니다. - 본론1의 내용은 경쟁이 심해졌기 때문에 또래에게 조언을 받을 수 없다입니다. 주제는 "친구에게 조언을 받을 수 있는지, 어른들에게 조언을 받을 수 있는지"를 묻고 있는 것이 아닙니다. 어떤 조언이 더 나은지를 묻고 있습니다. 따라서 친구에게 조언을 받을 수 있는게 가능할 때 그 조언이 어른들의 조언보다 더 나은지 결정을 하시고 설명을 해주셔야합니다. - 어색한 표현들이 있습니다. - elders는 나이가 훨씬 많은 어른들을 의미합니다. 그러나 본론2는 선배로부터 받는 조언에 대한 내용입니다. 이 선배들은 'elders'가 아닙니다. - 주제의 의도를 정확히 파악해주시고 그에 맞는 에세이를 써주세요.
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