▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays, there are more and more nuclear families,
and extended family has been disappearing gradually. Therefore, people can miss
the importance of big family. In my opinion, a large family is still crucial today in
parenting children because it can affect children's personality and lift parents' parent's burden of looking after them.
To
begin with, children with many family members can get more love than others in
a small family. In addition to this, they can develop good personalities, such
as extroverted, optimistic and active characters. This is because being loved
by people is concerned to the formation of nature. For instance, research was
conducted by the Ministry for Health, Welfare, and Family Affairs to determine
whether the number of surrounding people could influence character. There are two groups
monitored. The first group was formed of children who were in a small family
and the others consisted of those in an extended family. After three years later, researchers
compared the personalities of children in two groups and got to know that the
children in the former group one were more talkative and good at getting along hanging around with
their peer group. This was because they had more chances to talk to many people
and learned how to socialize with diverse people.
On top of that, parenting can be shared among family
members. Although both of parents have their jobs and they do not have enough
time to take care of their children today, their family members especially
grandparents of kids can cover the vacancy of them. For example, in my case, my
cousin's parents worked together in the same company. So they needed someone to
care their kids, but there was no way to do that. After thinking over it, they
decided to live together with their parents. So, my cousin could have has a good time with
his grandparents while his mom and dad were in at work.
To sum up, children can grow as a right person, and
their parents can have more spare time with in the extended family. In this regard, I
firmly believe that today's family members can still benefit a lot if they are in a large
family.
Comment : 내용을 일관성 있게 잘 구성해주셨습니다. 주제는 '오늘날에도 여전히' 대가족이 중요한지 묻고 있으므로 오늘날과 관련된 요소를 좀 더 강조해주면 좋을 것 같아요. 시제 일치 관련된 오류, 어색한 표현 위주로 검토해주세요. 전반적으로 구성을 잘 해주셨어요~ 주제와 관련된 부분을 잘 드러낼 수 있는 방향을 생각하면서 작성하는 연습을 하시면도움이 될 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |