Some
people think that the more possessions you have, the happier you will be.
However, in my opinion, having less possessions will be happier. The basis for
my position is that having lots of possessions cause other expenses and having
less possessions requires lower responsibility.
To begin with, having lots of
possessions will take a large amount of maintenance fee. No matter how
lucrative you are, gaining possessions can mean means
that you are losing the chance to save your money. One day, when you buy
something more and it will spend more money to maintain your possessions than
you earn. My best friend Tom, for instance, because his job is profitable,
he has been collecting luxury watches and fancy sport cars over three years.
However, now he is worrying about his luxuries’
maintenance fee. He told me that when he started to buy things whatever he
wants, at that moment, he was delightful. By gaining possessions, he realized
that his luxuries are disturbing his savings. Approximately, 85% of his income
is spent using to retain his properties.
For these reasons, he asked me of buying his
watches for half price, but I refused and told him that
I am satisfied with small amount of possessions. said like this. “Small amount of possessions can be happier like me”. Tom was totally admitted and keep finding his way to
handle his problems.
On top of that, you do not have to
spend lots of time on taking care of your possessions’
condition if you have just few amounts of possessions. Imagine that you have a
lot of possessions such as cars, potteries, boats, and so on. Would it be
possible to spare your time for relaxing? The answer will be “No”. The only way to relieve stress would
be to get away from responsibilities about your properties. For example, when I
was in high school, I was obsessed with beautiful
pebbles. To be specific, I ran into general store which was in shore, as soon
as class ends, to buy new astounding pebbles. After I buy them, I spent whole
time for admiring and cleaning them up. For these reasons, I do not have much
friends. By the time I entered college, I was no longer interested in the
pebbles and threw thrown them away up. After I did, I could have bunch of
time to spend with my new college friends and they made me happier than back in
high school.
To sum up,
owning fewer things is better for saving money and avoid useless time for being
blissful. In this regard, I firmly believe that people who have few possessions
are more likely to be happier that those who have lots of things.
Fair(20-23)
첫번째 본문
-means라고 그냥 쓰면 강한 의견표현이고 일반화입니다. can mean으로 좀더 순화시켜 표현해주세요.
-줄친 부분 불필요한 내용입니다.
-use동사 보다는 spend동사를 쓰는 것이 돈의 사용에 더 적절합니다.
-마지막 줄친 부분 빨간 부분처럼 바꿔주세요. 따옴표 사용은 지양해주세요.
-내용이 너무 개인적인 의견/예시/감정에 치우쳤습니다. 또한, 하나의 개인의 사례를 지나치게 일반화하였습니다.
좀더 수긍이 되는 이유를 좀더 객관적인 예시로 뒷받침해주세요.
-표현/문법 연습 해주세요.
두번째 본문
-이유 괜찮습니다. 하지만 예시가 조금 극단/비약적입니다. beautiful pebble이 좋아서 모았다는 것은 토픽과 조금 벗어났습니다. a lot of possessions는 재산과 연결되는 주제입니다. 단순히 물건의 갯수를 말하는 것은 아닙니다. 좀더 연결을 시켜주세요.
-obsessed with 구문
-throw away 혹은 throw out으로 '버리다' 표현해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~