▶ Your Answer :
A lot of teenagers, and even adults, believe that teenagers
should be independent. They think that way since
teenagers are not kids anymore, and teenagers have to make the important
decisions in their lives by their own. However, I believe that parents or adult
should make important decisions for their teenaged children because teenagers
are unexperienced in making an important decision, and teenagers make their
decisions impulsively.
First, teenagers have no experience in making important decisions. When
teenagers make important decisions without enough experience, the result can be
devastating to them. To illustrate an example, there are some students who drop
out from middle schools or high schools by their own will and enter the music
bands or theater companies. Although they made their decision earnestly,
considerable number of them regret their past decisions because the reality was
different or more severe than they have thought. They are usually exposed to blackmail or harassment from
senior, yet they have nowhere to appeal. It is very hard for teenagers
to be prepared for these difficulties because they have never experienced. In
contrast, parents or adults' can help them make better
decisions because they have went through similar situation in their
lives. It is their jobs to intervene when their children try to make important
decisions.
Second, teenagers tend to decide impetuously without deliberate thoughts. Since
teenagers do not don't have to be
responsible for themselves or their family, it is not surprising that they are
not serious when making decision. For example, in middle school, lots of
students choose their dreams to become a famous idols or movie stars
only because they look cool and they are loved by everyone. Few students
seriously consider the harsh process that they have to endure to achieve their
goals. Parents or adults should not let their children not to decide their
dream impetuously since the decision can change the children's lives
dramatically.
In conclusion, I believe that parents or adults should make important decisions
for their children because teenagers are unexperienced in every aspect and
teenagers are not serious when making their decisions. Unlike school, society
is not friendly to teenagers. It is parents’ job
to make a wise decision for their children so children can be properly prepared
for the upcoming difficulties.
Good (24–26)
서론 -that way 혹은 so 넣어주셔야 문법적으로 더 자연스럽습니다. 첫번째 본문 -노란 부분, 비약입니다. usually 는 지나친 일반화입니다. 또한, 앞 문장들과의 개연성도 떨어집니다. 극단적인 예시/설명은 충분한 설명없이는 지양해주세요. -단순히 adults can은 모호한 표현입니다. 더 구체적으로 설명해주세요. -adults'-->adults 소유격이 나올 필요가 없으므로 바꾸어주세요.
두번째 본문 -축약형 지양해주세요. don't-->do not 전체적으로 이유 괜찮습니다. 중간중간 극단적인 설명들 지양해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~
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