▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that
it can be more creative for people to work alone. However, I personally
disagree with the idea for the following two subsequent reasons. The concepts
of motivation and stress clearly illustrate the theme.
To begin with, groups can function as
motivation when they work one another to make people more creative. The reason is that they can share their
information and experience by having a chat simply by simply talking about the topic. Also In addition (문장을 시작 할 때에 also는 삼가해주시길 바랍니다), they can advise each
other when they have problems while doing their works. Therefore, people can be
more creative during the conversation at the free atmosphere. I will bring up
my personal story as an example. When I was in university, I usually worked on
assignments in teams. When it came to arrange the topic about projects, I could
come up with many ideas after freely talking with each other. If I had not
worked on the assignment in groups, I could not have come up with the related
topic fast at that time. many ideas를 많이 나타나게 되었다라는 것 보다는 혼자서 한 문제를 생각 하는 것 보다는 그룹을 통해서 creative한 의견들이 더 많이 만들어지게 되었다라고 서술하시는 것이 더 좋을 거 같아요.
On top of that, it working in group (이 부분에서는 it이 뭘 가르키는 지 명시하지 않았기 때문에 clear한 명사를 제시하는 것이 더 좋습니다) can get rid of stress,
thinking that creativeness needs a lot of energy and this is a time-consuming
work. By working in teams, people can not only reduce their burden but also save
their time through the division of workload or putting together them collaboration between co-workers according
to the situations. This lead to alleviate their stress, so that can enable
people to be more creative without having burden. (바로 스트레쓰를 줄이게 되었다라고 하는데 이렇게 가는 것 보다 그 전에 일을 다같이 하게 되면서 생기는 장점에 대해서 서술하는 것도 좋다고 생각합니다) There was a recent survey
which was done by Harvard University social science researchers more than 500
people who were students as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to
understand the correlation between creativeness and group. According to the
survey, of 500 people who were surveyed, over 80 percent said they were more
creative when they were in groups. This was why they did not have to think
about sense of responsibility about creativeness. sense of responsibility가 써여져야 했을 지 의문이 듭니다. 그룹과 함께 일하면서 creative가 더 활발하게 일어난 것인데. 이러한 리서치 덕분에 sense of responsibility에 대해서 생각 할 필요 없다고 서술하시는것은 앞과 뒤가 안맞는 거 같습니다.
As I mentioned above, motivation as well as
stress is in direct position to my insistence. In this regard, I am strongly
under the impression that working with others can be more creative than working
alone. Fair: 17~23 점수: 22 제가 참석한 부분을 보면 부족한 설명들이 보입니다. 에세이의 살을 더 붙이기 위해서는 문장과 문장 사이에 연관성이 보여져야합니다. 바로 결론으로 도출해나가는 것 보다 왜 이런일이 일어났고 그것을 해결하기 위해서는 어떠한 것을 해야하며 라는 식의 중간중간의 구체적인 설명을 간결하게 풀어나가야할 거 같습니다. 위 에세이를 보면 그런 부분들이 부족한 거 같습니다. 이러한 부분을 고치시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |